Anneke Lucas pimped by her mother to the Belgian Network

Anneke Lucas was pimped out aged 6, by her mother, to the network that has become known as the Dutroux network.

The network has little to do with Dutroux as he was a minor player, a mere gofer in the big evil scheme of this network. Michel Nihoul took some heat, but an ex Belgian Prime Minister Elio Di Rupo has been accused of running the child abuse network which had international connections to criminal networks. Nearly everyone was never charged.

Viscount Etienne Davignon, another perpetrator was linked via the Société Générale de Belgique to financing builder Gerald Bull to build Iraqi superguns. Bull was murdered.[19]

It has been claimed that the former Belgian deputy prime minister Andre Cools, who was assassinated on July 18, 1991, was almost done investigating the Bull murder and wanted to lay bare an international criminal syndicate. Among the persons that supposedly were about to be indicted were Dick Cheney, Neil Bush, Frank Carlucci, Donald Rumsfeld, Jonathan Aitken (head of Le Cercle; member Privy Council), Count Hervé de Carmoy, and the Barbours, Racicots, and Bronfmans.[19]

More links on the Dutroux affair…

  • ISGP Studies Dutroux Affair [16]
  • Aangirfan LAURENT LOUIS EXPOSES TOP CHILD ABUSERS [18]
  • Whale Belgian X Dossiers
  • Guardian Belgium’s silent heart of darkness [20]

Anneke  received experimentation / mind control training, was sexually abused, tortured,  trafficked and even had to kill another child.

Anneke was saved from death aged 11 by a man who continued to use her sexually. She wisely perhaps chooses not to name those taking part.

Anneke tells about her abuse in this following article in this post, and I have included several videos of Anneke explaining what happened to her and her healing, including four from this year. The autotranscipts of those are in the Appendices, after the links.

What is impressive about Anneke is that she explains very well, and appears to have achieved a good deal of healing. She talks out about child sexual abuse, helps victims as well as rationalising and explaining the reasons why the perpetrators committed their crimes.

She also states the child abuse is still going on today, which she can tell due to her work with current survivors.

the current leaders are the same as the ones that I ran into in the 60s and the 70s it’s exactly the same thing is happening and and they’re there I think a pedophile is better able to be controlled absolutely

Anneke has a website on which is her blog and useful places for people to turn to for help.

  • Anneke Lucas website [1]
  • Anneke Lucas Writing [3] 
  • Anneke Lucas Get Help Page [14]

Anneke briefly mentions a hunt

“…it was in the kitchen of a castle, it was after a hunt in daytime and their prey was lying on the floor and um the subject came up that i was a freebie…”

I will add this to a previous post of mine on human hunting Human Hunting [21]

She also mentions being taken down tunnels to be abused.

Anneke Lucas

Article from –  2016 Dec Global Citizen Anneke Lucas: I Was a Sex Slave to Europe’s Elite at Age 6 [9]

When I was a little girl in my native Belgium, I was put to work as a sex slave.

My mother sold me, and drove me wherever, whenever she got the call. The boss of this pedophile network was a Belgian cabinet minister. The clients were members of the elite. I recognized people from television. Their faces were familiar to the masses, while I was confronted with the dark side of their power addiction — the side no one would believe existed. I came across VIP’s, European heads of state, and even a member of a royal family.

Around my sixth birthday, in 1969, I was taken to an orgy for the first time, in a castle. I was used for an S&M show, on a low stage, chained up with an iron dog collar, and made to eat human feces. Afterwards, left lying there like a broken object, I felt so humiliated, I had to do something to save my soul, or else — and this I knew for certain — I would have withered and died.

I raised myself up, and stood looking at the bizarre crowd of aristocrats dressed up as hippies, swaying to the music in various levels of sexual interaction, busily availing themselves of little pills and pre-rolled joints passed around on silver trays by sober waiters. I trembled in fear, but my body straightened and stilled itself like a bow in suspense before the shot, and I heard my voice as though it were not my own, chiding the adults, telling them that this was wrong – that I was going to tell on them, and that they would all go to jail.

Trippy, spacey music was oozing through the atmosphere and most people were too high to notice me. One man, wearing a business suit, caught my eye. He looked scared, but he held my gaze for a brief moment, and seemed to feel for me. Then he was gone. I never saw him again in the network, but years later I did spot him on TV. He became a prominent Belgian politician.

I was quietly led away and taken to a cellar. I was certain that I was going to be killed, but instead I was shown the fresh body of a young murder victim. I was to remain silent.

During the week, I went to school. I was a shy girl, with few friends. I remember, once, in the second grade, becoming aware of an energetic shift in the room, to realize all eyes were on me. The teacher had been calling on me, and I had been too spaced out to hear. She wondered out loud if I knew the answer to the question she had asked, and I sat in embarrassing silence while the class laughed.

I was a nonentity at school, and at home no one cared for me. I received more attention in the network. It felt good to be viewed as the most perfectly beautiful, sensual object by powerful men with high standards in taste. This was the only positive in my life, and I clung to it as my only raft to keep from drowning in a sea of shame and self-loathing.

After four years of surviving the network, when I was 10, a new guest brought along his 20-year-old son: tall, dashing, blond, and blue-eyed. He boldly advanced toward me. I smiled, and he called me a little whore. Not since the first time I had been brought to an orgy, four years earlier, had I expressed my true feelings. I was furious.

“You think I like it here?” I sneered.

This interaction started the most intense year of my life, in which I would feel more than ever loved, seen, and understood, and would be more than ever abused, all by that same young man. A year later, when he was through with me, I was of no use to the network anymore, and was to be killed. When my torture began, he stood watching, laughing.

This was the third time that my entire being became filled with an otherworldly force. Fierce pride straightened my body. A burning cigarette was put out on my forearm. My energetic body latched onto his in pure defiance. The thought “I don’t need you!” had become me, and all I saw was the energy behind the troubled ocean of blue in his eyes, and the love in spite of all the pain he had passed on to me.

I was led away to a small room, and strapped onto a butcher’s block. The man who tortured me was one of the defendants in the notorious Dutroux case, which, when it broke the news in 1996, was believed it would blow up the Belgian pedophile network. But instead, eight years later, only Marc Dutroux received a life sentence. I should have died that night in 1974 on that butcher’s block, but my life was saved at the last minute.

While I had been tortured, the young man had been negotiating with the politician in charge of the network. They made a deal: he would work for the politician, extend his shady services in exchange for my life. This one good deed eventually cost him his own life. In this milieu, any shred of humanity is a deadly weakness.

My life was spared, and I was told to remain silent forever. It took me 40 years before I could speak up.

In 1988, when I was 25 years old, I was walking downtown Los Angeles, near Skid Row, and got a faint, specific whiff of human feces, and was assaulted with the memory of the extreme humiliation I had suffered as a child. My instant thought was: “If this is true, I’m going to kill myself.”

I was too identified with the experience, and the shame was too great. I wasn’t ready, and pushed the memory back into the subconscious. It would take several more years, many more hours of therapy, to finally share this memory with one safe person.

I share this experience publicly here for the first time, having finally reached a place in my healing where I have access once again to the strength that came through me in those moments of clarity in the network. I also believe that the world is more than ever ready to confront its darkness. We have to, if we are to survive as a species.

All survivors of incest, sexual abuse, and sex trafficking have my strength. Though I suffer from PTSD, and, for example, I still become nauseous whenever I hear a certain kind of airy, trippy music, I’ve become so mindful of triggers that they don’t control my everyday existence. It takes so much energy to survive not only the physical violence, but to endure the psychic drain of abuse — to carry the shame.

Just surviving daily life while trying to heal from child sexual abuse requires a thousand times the strength it would require for someone without awareness to pursue a successful career. And society still values the career person over the survivor.

Power addicts, world leaders, and corrupt politicians who abuse children are themselves like children who never grew up, driven to power to avoid ever feeling the humiliation of child abuse again, unconsciously seeking revenge from a place of hurt by recycling the abuse. They lack the courage to heal.

Those of us who have suffered sexual abuse, incest or sex trafficking need to learn to harness our survival strength on our own behalf, so we can heal our damaged ego, and channel that strength to lead the way towards a future in which former victims conquer by love, understanding and compassion for all.

Global Citizen Anneke Lucas: I Was a Sex Slave to Europe’s Elite at Age 6 [9]

Anneke Lucas website [1]

 

[6] Anneke Lucas: I Was a Sex Slave to Europe’s Elite at Age 6 (SEQUEL-PART 1) (Human Trafficking)

 

[7] Anneke Lucas: Why I Won’t Publicly Name Names (SEQUEL-PART 2)

 

[8] From Child Sex Slavery to Victory – My Healing Journey | Anneke Lucas | TEDxKlagenfurt

 

[10] 2020 Apr 15 Dark Owl Anneke Lucas Testimony Part One (1 of 4)

 

[11] 2020 Apr 15 Dark Owl Anneke Lucas Testimony Part Two (2 of 4)

 

[12] 2020 Jul 30 Dark Owl Anneke Lucas Testimony Part Three (3 of 4)

 

[13]  2020 Jul 30 Dark Owl Anneke Lucas Testimony Part Four (4 of 4)

Autotranscripts are in Appendices below.

Links

[1] Anneke Lucas website https://annekelucas.com/

[2] Skeptico Anneke Lucas, Recovering From Unimaginable Evil https://skeptiko.com/anneke-lucas-recovering-from-unimaginable-evil-441/

[3] Anneke Lucas Writing https://annekelucas.com/writing

[4] Anneke Lucas Writing Pedophilia https://annekelucas.com/writing/2019/12/26/pedophilia

[5] Karl Lagerfeld: A survivor’s account of sexual abuse in the fashion industry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jrLFzGb2tM

[6] Anneke Lucas: I Was a Sex Slave to Europe’s Elite at Age 6 (SEQUEL-PART 1) (Human Trafficking) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jrLFzGb2tM

[7] Anneke Lucas: Why I Won’t Publicly Name Names (SEQUEL-PART 2) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piaLOnNFLgw

[8] From Child Sex Slavery to Victory – My Healing Journey | Anneke Lucas | TEDxKlagenfurt https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLp5LM18wIU

[9] 2016 Dec Global Citizen Anneke Lucas: I Was a Sex Slave to Europe’s Elite at Age 6 https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/anneke-lucass-harrowing-tale-of-sex-trafficking-am/?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=share

[10] 2020 Apr 15 Dark Owl Anneke Lucas Testimony Part One (1 of 4) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX11JUxxtq4

[11] 2020 Apr 15 Dark Owl Anneke Lucas Testimony Part Two (2 of 4) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cp_jeHb-tGg

[12] 2020 Jul 30 Dark Owl Anneke Lucas Testimony Part Three (3 of 4) https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=18&v=MDWeQr20JfE&feature=emb_logo

[13]  2020 Jul 30 Dark Owl Anneke Lucas Testimony Part Four (4 of 4) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRicojEoh8M

[14]  Anneke Lucas Get Help Page https://annekelucas.com/get-help-1

[15] Anneke Lucas – ORIGINAL + I Was a Sex Slave to Europe’s Elite at Age Six (1) + Why I Won’t Publicly Name Names (2) + Let’s Talk About The Levels of Awareness (3) http://robscholtemuseum.nl/realwomenrealstories-anneke-lucas-i-was-a-sex-slave-to-europes-elite-at-age-six-1-why-i-wont-publicly-name-names-2-lets-talk-about-the-levels-of-awareness-3/

[16] ISGP Studies Dutroux Affair https://isgp-studies.com/belgian-x-dossiers-of-the-dutroux-affair

[17] http://www.the13thfloor.tv/2016/04/14/a-secret-look-inside-the-creepiest-celebrity-party-ever/ dead link

[18] 2012 aangirfan LAURENT LOUIS EXPOSES TOP CHILD ABUSERS http://aangirfan.blogspot.com/2012/04/laurent-louis-exposes-top-child-abusers.html

[19] Whale Belgian X Dossiers http://www.whale.to/c/belgian_xdossiers.html

[20] 2020 May 5 Guardian Belgium’s silent heart of darkness https://web.archive.org/web/20200628003206/https://www.theguardian.com/world/2002/may/05/dutroux.featuresreview

[21] 2020 Jul 26 Human Hunting https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2020/07/26/human-hunting/

More stories of child sexual abuse…

[25]  Out of Darkness, Into Light: Child Sexual Abuse – A WLRN Original Production https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MgqXvVqKIwc

[26] I was sex trafficked for years. Brothels are hidden in plain sight. | Casandra Diamond | TEDxToronto https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg6xCRemYw4

[27] I was abused as a child bride and this is what I learned | Samra Zafar | TEDxMississauga https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XPAG3I8P34k

[28] How to spot human trafficking | Kanani Titchen | TEDxGeorgeSchool https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrxhptvEOTs

[29] Marilyn VanDerbur Interview with Marilyn VanDerbur (Long Version) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6UQnwyeOR0

[30] Sold For Sex: Trafficking in Nebraska https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etao-pHnjUs

[31] Fallen Angels. True cost of sex tourism: Philippine’s fatherless kids of Angeles City Streetwalkers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8GLhJv6ck

[32] 2014 Aug 9 Syrian Girl talks about being forced by father to do sexual jihad for Muslim rebels https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zcaEDDmcdU8

[33] Mind Control MKUltra Barbara Hartwell Media CIA Plant https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1zkuqZzqfI&feature=youtu.be

[34] My Name Is Brooke Axtell and I Was Sex Trafficked at Age 7 in the US https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/my-name-is-brooke-axtell-and-i-was-trafficked-at-a/

[35] ‘I Remember the Smells, the Sights, and the Taste of Slavery’: Jessa Dillow Crisp Shares Her Story https://www.globalcitizen.org/en/content/jessa-dillow-crisp-i-remember-the-smells-the-sight/

[36] Karl Lagerfeld: A survivor’s account of sexual abuse in the fashion industry https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jrLFzGb2tM

[37] REALWOMEN/REALSTORIES Colorado Child Trafficking Survivor Reveals Horrifying Trafficking Ordeal https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW3qnAMkUgU Jessa Crisp, a Colorado-based victim of child sex trafficking has come forward to reveal that police are many times instrumental in sex trafficking operation. To make matters even more hopeless for the woman, she was unable to report the abuse or go to the police because there were a number of police officers who were actually involved in the kidnapping and abuse. But she did not give up because she is STRONG. SHARE!

[38] 2014 Holly Austin Smith: A Survivor Story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JFegDQDuLhs

[39] 2014 Marilyn Van Derbur: A Survivor Story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ALEfE3rNCqI

[40] Darlene’s Story: Trafficking Survivor https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bf36bf4PMSk

[41] Jasmine’s Story: Trafficking Survivor & Post Abortive Woman https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfayDrt_-mE

 

Transcripts and Videos

 

[10] 2020 Apr 15 Dark Owl Anneke Lucas Testimony Part One (1 of 4)

 

Appendix 1

all right welcome to this interview this
is going to be a four part interview
that we decided to break up for the very
reasons that there’s a lot of heavy
material here it gets pretty intense
from an emotional perspective and at the
same time it reveals something that’s
just so important to what we’re
uncovering as humanity during this time
that we wanted to make sure we took the
proper time to really go through this
content so what you’re gonna watch
coming up here is four different parts
following Anika Lucas’s journey as a
child sex slave now this starts getting
into you know what the elite pedophilia
stuff that we start talking about this
gets into the child trafficking and all
that sort of stuff but really this
starts looking at a deep you know I
guess you could say puzzle that is
starting to form are starting to come
together here as we’re uncovering and
looking at this sort of elite pedophilia
that does happen I know a lot of us want
to turn a blind eye to it or want to
pretend that it’s not happening and you
know that’s fair that it’s fair to be
able to say like you know these are dark
things if we have to look at this this
is a dark aspect of humanity that we’re
gonna have to face and maybe I’m not
ready or maybe I don’t want to face that
that doesn’t take away from the fact
that we have to now it doesn’t mean we
have to expose ourselves to it every
single day it means that we do have to
understand the depths to which is you
know what this really is and what’s
going on because we’re going to realize
as we recrawl her story and her ultimate
healing through the entire thing we’re
gonna chronicle what this looks like at
an elite level what happens and what
really who are the types of people that
were giving our power to when we begin
to actually go out and vote and get
become part of this system as it is
today right we’re not talking about
voting in the future time alone as it is
today right this is what these are the
types of people that were sort of
keeping in power in in a lot of
different ways because this is a
widespread issue so without further ado
let’s get into this Anika Lucas shares
an incredible story in these first two
parts be sure to really really sit down
and dive into these ones because they
are going to get a little bit intense
and we’re going to have a meditation at
the end of the second part which is
going to be really important in this
entire process so here’s Anika she’s
gonna tell you her story okay hi I’m
Katrina
with collective evolution and we’re here
today with Anika Lucas and we believe
that Anika has a very important story to
tell and has very important insights to
give us not only in terms of our own
personal healing but in terms of where
we go as a collective
so welcome Anika thank you so what what
I wanted to start with first is for you
to give an explanation of your
experiences your story your life story
sorry your life story is kind of the
foundation for so much learning and so
much insight that we can get so I
understand that in in some ways you
don’t remember quite everything from
what happened especially in your
childhood I remember the important
things you remember the important things
and and maybe you can tell the story and
however you want that’ll help us
understand what your experiences are so
then we can go on to to talk about what
we can learn from those no thank you
yes I’ll share my story my life story
I’ll try to give an overview I was born
in Belgium in 1963 and my mother was
single and she was not well and abused
me from birth onward and she married
when I was 3 and we moved from Brussels
to the Flemish part of the country
she was Flemish but I actually spoke
French at that time I was three and a
half and she married someone and I think
right away
I was targeted by the by a countess
whose daughter was in my class and I
think maybe this countess
saw that my mother wasn’t well and she
arranged for a woman to be our cleaning
lady and she and her husband teamed up
they groomed me for about a year so this
was all over sometime because I was
probably just around my sixth birthday
when this couple first took me to an
orgy they well the grooming ended with
them sexualizing me and also verbally
abusing me and then I was taken to the
orgy so the groom by the grooming what
what do you mean exactly well they spent
a year taking me to all I learned
swimming with them and they took me and
they they in groups of kids so they were
talking about they said it was their
their nieces and nephews more girls than
boys and you know there were always
different children and they would just
take me out with them to on they would
do things you know go to the park go
swimming that became like a weekly thing
and they always offered my mother to
take me off her hands so and I never
liked them either of them so I never
wanted to go but my mother wasn’t well
so she was just taking it and before the
it was perhaps the same weekend perhaps
not but before I was taken to the orgy
the man raped me and the woman yelled
screamed at me
and they took me to an energy where
everyone was taking drugs and dressed as
hippies but I realized later that they
weren’t actually not hippies they were
they were all aristocrats it was
happening in a castle and and degrading
experiences in that first night I felt
so humiliated I was made to take part in
some like the man took me on a stage and
that was just right there were a lot of
people around but most of them are so
high they weren’t really paying
attention even though he was abusing me
on this stage and I was naked and then
after he had done this kind of show with
me where he had done really gross things
he left me there and I was just left on
the lying on this black stage it was
just a low stage like that but it was in
this room which was a kind of a salon
and all these people were just around
and people were actually barely paying
attention so I stood up and this was the
first time when I knew I had to do
something or else I would die in
internally so I stood up and I’m I said
you can’t do this to me I’m going to
make sure that you’re all be punished I
spoke about my stepfather who was the
mayor of a village my stepfather is
going to put you all in jail and then I
was taken over by the man who had
welcomed us
that day had basically dealt with the
couple who were the the pimps and I
guess he and they brought three girls
that day and he was disappointed that
there wasn’t a boy but my hair was short
so he decided he was going to use me
[Music]
that happen had happened before this
this show and now he came back this I
called him an old pet arrest then I
started getting back into these cities
circumstances I started calling him an
old an old penury so like boys he was
fat
he brought me along very calmly like you
know just like nothing happened
like he was my friend and then I don’t
quite remember how we got to this place
but we went somewhere else and we went
into a basement it was a large basement
a large cellar vaulted ceilings so it
was maybe under another mansion or
castle I’m not sure or maybe it was the
same place I don’t really know but we
were walking for it seemed like a very
long walk and I thought I was going to
get killed and I tried to just attune
myself to him even though I didn’t like
him and I felt guilty for not liking him
but he was very casual he was just
saying well we know we like you here and
we wouldn’t want anything to happen to
you and I was trying to connect and then
we reached the end there were it was as
if there were several compartments of
this cellar so when we reach the last
compartment there was a
a cement tub that was built into the
floor and there was nothing in the tub
but behind the tub so when we reached
this the body came into view of a young
very young woman a teen she seemed like
a woman to me because I was just
probably just six years old so he was
just casually saying that you know he
didn’t want anything to happen to me and
they wanted to keep me and it was just
that I shouldn’t say anything and you
know we don’t want to talk about
anything we don’t want to keep it a
secret so I took that very gently yeah
but the suggestion was very very clear
yes yes if I speak I’ll be killed I’ll
be I’ll be killed and this is very real
because we’re looking at a real body and
I tried to speak anyway because I
thought well they’re saying I can’t
speak to my stepfather because I said I
was going to tell him so I try to tell
my mother and I’m not sure when and I’m
not sure how many times I went back with
this couple but at some point my mother
took over from them and started driving
me there herself she actually got a car
she didn’t drive so she got all excited
she got her driver’s license and because
of my stepfather’s position as the mayor
she didn’t have to do a driving test so
she was proud she actually took me to
get her driver’s license a big up her
driver’s license cuz she was very proud
of it and then she got a little car and
that was very unusual at the time that
people had two cars out to car household
in Belgium we got a little car she got
an automatic car the only one available
at the
time doesn’t Belgium the cars were not
automatic so she got the only model that
had you know that was an automatic car
Dutch model very small and and then she
started to drive me to these places
herself so you drive me drop me off she
never come in and then the idea was that
she would be there and Dawn and if I
didn’t come out and Dawn she just wait
and she she’d get calls from the woman
the countess who lived in the village
and just take me wherever usually it was
orgies two castles with aristocrats and
then there were also these other people
there I started to get a sense of the
the people they were not all our
Socrative were politicians I just knew
that they were I learned to measure
power then I can learn to measure who
was you know the ones who have to be
careful about the the ones who had power
[Music]
and she also would sometimes take me
just one to one house to one man keep me
out of school there was always a doctor
or writing notes so the system of having
a child’s live at home and either their
parent living this was unusual I think
yet I I don’t think any other children
were pimped out by their parents I think
the pimps usually infiltrated into the
families like these this couple had done
but to send the children back home that
was the genius way of having the
children available for whenever they
needed them and in a week I would go to
school
and when I was nine so there was a boss
there was a boss in the network and he
was clearly the most important person
that person I recognized later was a
minister he was a cabinet minister in
Belgium and he was also Prime Minister
several times and he and his friends
were like the group that was clearly
running everything and when I was nine
years old I was sent in a car with two
handlers with another child and driven
to Switzerland and when we arrived there
we were also sent in a tunnel another
tunnel we were outside for just a second
in the very lovely air and then there
was some portal outside that was opened
and we walked through it in it yeah I
don’t think you could see that it was
anything from the outside it was just a
gate and then we walked in a very long
underground tunnel and there were
torches on the sides of the walls that
were burning with flames so we got
through the ends and the handlers met
other handlers there and then aid a man
came out and he was a perpetrator and he
he decided that it was decided there
those children were brought there for
this man he was American he spoke French
and I understood French so he decided
that there were two children one was for
him to rape and one was to be sacrificed
and he decided that the boy should be
sacrificed
and well I knew that boy I’d spend time
with him and he was a little bit
backwards it was a little bit slow so I
felt extremely protective of that boy
and I had to comfort him on the way over
in the car and I’d try to hold him I
tried to I picked I had picked him up
and walked with him because he was tired
from the walk and I held him and I tried
to hold onto him and all he was torn
from me and
this perpetrator this was a very large
underground area with a lot of symbols
on the floor and fires burning and there
was a large altar and there was a man
who I thought was a baron
I know knew he was Belgian he was the
executioner I have found out later I
recognized him in picture I found out
later he was a lawyer at the time and he
became a baron later so I was made to
watch this perpetrator made me watch
while he raped me
and well that was
I didn’t know if he I could like well
I’ve I’ve never felt that powerless I’ve
felt powerless a lot but I felt
completely powerless there because I
couldn’t he screamed and I could tell
that his screams were exciting the
people around that it made them more
angry and more violent
and I felt that I betrayed him because I
felt that I wanted the screams – stop –
at one point and I felt that I betraying
him he was seven seven years old and I
was nine and I was upset oh so he was
butchered he was butchered slowly and
there was this this obsession with
genitals that was this offering its
offering of his genitals to Satan I mean
I didn’t you think of that word at all
it was just everything was black and
everyone was wearing black capes and I
learned later that that was a satanic
ritual
and so this perpetrator I was very upset
and he looked at me threatening Lee
because I it was I got from him that he
thought that I was upset because he had
raped me and I laughed it wasn’t I don’t
know where that laugh came from but I
laughed at the I was incredulous that
maybe he didn’t even think that I could
be upset about this child that he saw me
he actually sayto you know he didn’t say
that but he looked at me threatening Lee
because he looked like he was getting
insecure because I was upset and if I’m
upset because he raped me
then I’m mirroring something that he’s
doing and so I got the feeling that he
thought that I was upset because he had
raped me and that and I’m therefore I’m
a threat and I laughed because I had
been raped many many times by then
that’s not why I was upset and as I left
I thought I’m going to get killed I
thought these thoughts were running
through my mind I’m going to get killed
for laughing but I saw this child emerge
from him insecure he was suddenly I saw
this little boy in this perpetrator
who’s insecure who who feels that he’s
the slow one who feels that he doesn’t
get it because he didn’t know I was
laughing so that he’s insecure was now
insecure and feeling that he didn’t
belong with the big kids I got all this
information in this moment from looking
at him as I laughed and then he I told
him no I was not upset because I I was
upset about the child I was not upset
about you and then as I was tuning in
I started to say I’m not upset about you
and I just I just started Sabol you know
the men that were there had taken off
their hoods and most of them were old
men
bald balding you know like a lot of
politicians like the bald streak in the
middle and he was clearly older he was
in his 50s clearly but he had all his
hair and he looked very clean extremely
clean and neat and so I started to say
that while you are you are you know I’m
I’m not upset that you raped me and I
started to flatter him saying look at
these other look at these other men look
at these men you know and so I started
to share this joke that all these men
were disgusting looking and he looked
much better and then strangely I said he
had this long nose and I thought in this
moment when he was insecure I thought
he’s very insecure about his nose he
thinks he hasn’t uh he’s ugly he feels
ugly like he has an ugly nose and I said
you have a very nice note and when I
said that he physically transformed and
his nose actually started to look better
and he started to being and I suddenly
got this myself I felt myself
transforming to and for the first time I
felt pretty and
he ended up so this American and ended
up thinking I’m sophisticated because
I’d laughed he took me with him to the
United States and became an important
father figure and being attuned to him I
had to get in the same mindset that you
know what had happened there that was
not didn’t happen well I thought I was
going to get killed when I was being on
the jet I didn’t see him and I when I
was on the jet and I thought I was being
wherever I was going to be taken I was
also going to get killed and I was
taking it I was it was at JFK but I was
taken by a handler off the the private
jet didn’t go through customs he just
drove me to a hotel he put me in a room
and in a brown room so I thought for
sure I’m waiting here to just be killed
then the handler came and got me back
put me in a car in the back of a car
where he was waiting and he greeted me
like you know he was really happy to see
me
so I spent this time with him and he
about several things he showed me his
way of life he took me to several of his
houses New York City north of New York I
met his staff he just brought me along
everywhere we went he an American with a
9 year old Belgian girl
nobody ever seemed to wonder hmm he was
very powerful I could tell he was very
powerful I realized later that probably
I and the boy were sent to Switzerland
to get in his good graces by the leader
of the network in Belgium that it was a
gift or some kind of trade so I spent
three
weeks I think in the United States with
this person sailing with him on his boat
to mean to his property there so he had
properties everywhere he took me to
three of them and he suddenly started
rejecting me and the tryptamine and we
stopped over somewhere saw a friend of
his one of the leaders of the families I
later realized and I heard him talking
and I’m good with languages so I
actually understood what they were
saying in English you know he thought I
spoke French only but they were he was
talking about me to this other person as
if I’m this example that children are
very well suited you know to have sex
with and very sexual beings and it’s
part of what I think is the agenda
sexualizing children and just not
recognizing the innate innocence of
children so he was demonstrating that
through me that I was so adaptable and
that clearly you know this I’m I was the
proof that this was a good idea to have
sex with children and he bought me a
dress he taught me what good food I mean
I ate very good food he taught me how to
eat it he taught me about art he
invested this time and he kept saying
that I belonged to his class of people I
belonged to his family even I never met
anyone of his family but I was in his
his houses and so I felt finally I
belong somewhere and I’m also hi I’m
connected to him in on this cloud of
privilege which is such a high
incredible so that alone you don’t need
any drugs
you know just feel like you’re above the
world
everything and everyone and everything
was so clean and so beautiful
I know gosh even nature seemed more
beautiful like the parts that he owned
because it was all so clean and he sent
me back he started to judge me when I
got a runny nose on the sailboat so he
started to become distant but polite and
then he sent me off big smile
sent me off back on the Jets but he
stayed he was gonna see me again he sent
me off to this the jet went back to
Switzerland I was picked up by the
leader I was high the whole way through
because I thought I loved I felt I found
you know a father I’m loved he’s going
to see me again he’s going to you know
bring me into his family somehow that
was my thought I was convinced that was
going to happen I was picked up by the
the the cabinet minister was the leader
of the network at the airport who was
really annoyed and having to be the
gofer clearly he didn’t appreciate
having to drive me around but he took me
somewhere right away to a facility close
by and immediately some some tests were
done like some things I was strapped
down in a sort of a lab like setting and
I was strapped down and there were two
men in white lab coats and he and so
they took things they they took things
from from my uterus and
and some needles definitely and then I
was brainwashed
so then I would I was sexually
stimulated while I was strapped down
well done the Belgian was screaming into
my ear that if my man leaves me I’m I’m
worth nothing and I should just kill
myself and my life’s worth nothing just
kill yourself hear this so there was
this while the sexual stimulation was
happening
and then he drove me after that he drove
me to Germany to a place there and this
is something I recently recovered it
explains a lot about things of my life
as any memory always does when it starts
to fall into place when the pieces of
the puzzle start to fall into place it
certainly explains a lot and then
there’s this this healing it takes for
this integration that takes place that’s
very important so for my well-being I
was there for a month
and so I’ll briefly say that it was a
kind of a training plus eugenics it was
a eugenics clinic what do you mean by
eugenics in this in this particular case
so I was taught I was shown a lot of
videos or film whatever my eyes were
pried open and I was made to watch and I
was I was made to watch people engaging
in all kinds of sex acts but I was made
to watch their faces and I was taught
through it was systematic was very well
done in that sense that it was
structured really well so that I could
start to understand that certain
physical features like certain physical
features are going to mean that for that
man’s genitals for example or looking at
certain physical features like that’s
what that meant like sexually so I could
see from looking at someone’s face what
they liked and then looking at someone’s
body what they liked sexually what they
are about sexually what they need
sexually so that was most of it that was
most of this training so I watched a lot
of was made to watch a lot of film but I
was also starting to understand because
because it was also true
so there’s a correlation somehow between
the way that the face develops and
people’s addictions and everything all
the trauma is actually all somehow
expressed it’s it’s all visible we just
don’t usually look at it we don’t
usually see it so I was taught to see it
so in this case here you feel like
you’re being brainwashed but also you’re
you’re getting to understand a deeper
truth about you know what things mean
when people have certain faces reactions
yes
traits or traits like with the eyes
especially you know around the eyes
especially it really shows like if
someone’s addicted to sex for example
there’s certain creases that appear and
there they’re always the same and when
someone masturbates for example you
there’s a certain there’s a certain type
of other type of crease that appears
under the eyes so you can see sex
addiction very clearly and then I was
made to see all the differentiations of
different kinds of sexual addictions
that people have and what because I was
being trained to be a sex slave for the
elite but also things were done so there
were there were a lot of things done to
my head and there seems to have been
some technology used that we’re not that
should not have been in 1972 that should
not have been used I think there were
lasers used on me there were lasers put
on my body and there were things
performed on my body as well
I don’t know meaning that the people at
that time didn’t realize that technology
was available was it it was ahead of its
time it was ahead of its time
and there was a doctor there and I
recently found him so not only was I
made to see all of these videos but
there was also the main doctor there I
didn’t see him that often but he was the
main the leader there very scary looking
man who I found his picture
who was a Nazi he was part of the Nazi
Party he was not very active but then he
got a very big public role afterwards as
a doctor and he was interested in
eugenics and he was funded by this
American perpetrator I didn’t know that
of course but I was also there were also
a lot of programs put in place I sort of
make sure that I wouldn’t remember the
doctor’s face for example so there were
suffocation programs put in place so
when I when I saw his face first I
started to suffocate and so I had to
break through these breathe through
these very strong suffocation programs
that I and then when I finally saw his
face a very strange reaction because I
don’t think I’ve ever felt that much
hatred so so much pure hatred that I
just wanted to – somehow this this
revenge was very very ripe and when I
saw his face on online and this is would
this be around 2013 we’re talking about
no no this is threat more recently I had
started speaking publicly about what had
happened to me in 2013 but this is more
recent this is in the in this past year
right
this really when this perpetrator died
the American perpetrator died and that I
think I wasn’t safe emotionally safe to
remember him until he was dead
so it was once once he died I saw that
that everything started to come back and
make sense and just slowly because when
a memory comes back it could mean
anything it doesn’t necessarily mean
that it’s a memory you know I’m just
starting to get these images and I’m
starting it it’s really not until they
are felt until the feelings that are
connected to this and all the repressed
all that are been repressed for all that
time and that have been maybe coming in
and in appropriate times when there’s
something triggered it’s only when those
feelings are connected to their Ridge
no trauma that the integration then
happens and then I then know that this
actually happens exactly you have that
record that’s the key to the recognition
of that say yeah this is in my past
there’s no doubt I felt it
no I cannot doubt it and I didn’t of
course when I was in
honey as a nine-year-old girl I could
have never imagined that this
perpetrator who was my father that was
connected to all of this abuse that I
was experiencing there so that year that
summer it was a summer and when in July
I went with this perpetrator to the
United States in August I spent the time
in this it was a dirty lab I mean it was
Germanic in certain ways but it was very
dirty place with like a little black
half you know curtain and and and I was
the oldest child there so it was
particularly torturous because most of
the bit most of the children there were
babies and toddlers that were being
trained and I was strapped down most of
the time I was strapped on a sort of a
cot type thing so I couldn’t again you
know this helplessness this
powerlessness that I couldn’t because
them they were crying and I was just
powerless to to pick them up or to
comfort them and somehow you always
through all this you always have that
care for the innocent I didn’t feel
innocent right but I felt that the other
children the truth yeah
well I had been loved as a child a baby
so my mother was abusive but I was loved
by by a caretaker so I got my mother’s
abuse and the numbness and and then I
had the caretaker who would bring me
back to myself wrapped me on her body
who was my real mother for three years
so my mother went to work so I went to
this caretaker a lot very sweet and so I
knew what it was like to just be me I
got this experience of being seen as an
innocent baby and I think because of
that that vibration you know it’s a
vibration it’s this vibration of love of
unconditional love that as a baby I was
just accepted as in that phase of my
human life this completely innocent
human being as that was seen and
recognized I was then able to have this
blueprint inside of what it means though
I should tell you I’m not really
completely sure about that because I
work with people who’ve been through
similar things and I don’t know if all
of them have had that experience of
being loved but they still have the
heart that was the question I was gonna
ask I was gonna say without which
without this experience does everything
else does your whole rest of your life
play out very differently you think I
think so but I have to tell you that I’m
faced every day with people who I’ve
been through as much as I’ve been
through and they have the same caring
the same love I mean
we weren’t able to express that to each
other in the network and I certainly
never did again after the little boy who
was who was butchered I never again
allowed myself to be close to another
child so I didn’t really I suspected
that underneath the way that we were
pitted against each other
that we really did care for each other
and I can speak more about that later
but to return to that Germany lab I I
was so in in I was also brainwashed so
there was also an attempt to to use my
head somehow and to I was strapped down
and then and then there were things but
in my head big needles but in my head
and there was this attempt to this
forceful attempt to make me believe
another that I’m a whore that I’m only a
whore
and so there was this voice rising in
that terror because it was very
terrifying I was on my back and I
strapped down and then there’s these
things at my head and there’s things
being put in my head and my brain going
through my brain
so from that there I was repeating my
truth I am I am me I am me where my
affirmation was I you know what I don’t
know what that means yeah which is yeah
I didn’t feel innocent but I perhaps
felt that I had access there was some
access there was a portal there back to
it that I that’s me that is me and then
I that everything else that was imposed
is not me so I am me so they’re doing
experiments and they’re doing
experiments and they were thinking and
hoping well maybe this will work maybe
this will work they weren’t thinking and
hoping they they knew what they were
doing and usually it did work okay yeah
no it’s more that I was one of the
difficult ones always understood and I
was also too old
okay yes like you were saying they had
some very very young children and babies
there and they were already starting
that program the you know the the
deliberate dissociating through trauma
so that you can go into an altar and
then become the whore or whatever altar
you know because there’s as the horse
there’s very many different altars
there’s one for each you know
perpetrator basically and that was a
month so a month there and that doctor
yeah I just there was this this great
anger and like haha I got I see your
face I know it’s you I know it’s you
there I had that feeling part of the
heel yeah the revenge and the anger yeah
yeah to overcome you and you saw the
intentional programming to have
wipe from your face and then you see him
and you recognize it
and babinicz after after all the
suffocation yeah having to get get
through that painful process and the
deprogramming yes yes and then the next
year so then I was taken back home my
family had gone on a vacation without me
no questions necessary there’s they went
to Austria and my mother my mother said
you know we didn’t have a good trip I
think that’s maybe the closest that she
could ever come to any kind of like
right it’s nothing but it’s well she was
trying to say something did you ever get
a sense that your mother had trauma in
her childhood or you know oh for sure
yeah yeah she was extremely traumatized
she was born in a 39 so in a town close
to the German border so time that was
bombed where there was famine her father
was in a concentration camp in bagging
Belsen so as a prisoner of war not as a
as a concentration camp prisoner
but her mother died when she was right
five six years old just right around
that same time that she that she started
to put me in these life-threatening
situations clearly she had been sexually
abused she acts like that she doesn’t
remember it but she acts like an over
sexualized lit five-year-old little girl
that’s how she acts I know that her
father he survived a camp he wasn’t cool
he never touched me sexually but he once
slapped me on the behind very
inappropriate I don’t know clearly she
had been sexually abused I don’t know by
whom but never any healing so there was
she was like this this is five year old
over sexualized child who firmly
believed that men and sexual men who
would sexualize her or men who were
rapists or her her that she had to
placate them and then all the
self-hatred wasn’t was projected onto me
but no sense of anything no boundaries
no no awareness at all how did you feel
that her family was always part of this
network in some way or there was no no
there weren’t there no that’s why she
didn’t go in she didn’t go in she kind
of felt envious
she acted when she dropped me she acted
as if I was gonna got to go to the cool
party and she the victim didn’t get to
go so she was so putting me there in her
stead she really wanted to be that
celebrate sexualized celebrated for her
sexuality child she wanted to be that
she had this idea that I was gonna get a
husband I mean I was 6 years old but she
had some idea that there was going to be
a marriage coming from that I was going
to marry into now remembered so you had
that period of a month in Germany yes
and afterwards I was taken to Germany
several times so I was going to school
but I was taken out of school a lot to
go back to Germany to be deployed as a
sex slave for German powerful German
people so I recognize some people
definitely top top of the power line
that sexually abused me I learned German
I learned to speak German I spent enough
time there to learn the language and
then and I’m not sure maybe it was about
a year later I saw that American
perpetrator back again and I didn’t want
to believe that he was connected to this
so but he started to question me he was
very happy to see him his first there
you know at first it was like very happy
we’re all and I’m thinking I’m now going
to go to America with him and I’m gonna
be his daughter and his family he’s
adopting me that’s what I was thinking
I guess this meeting was was sort of
planned on his part right he’s it was
his time to come back and see you and
mm-hmm
did the next step yes and it wasn’t a an
extremely formal building a mansion but
it seemed like it’s a government
building or something but very beautiful
again but we didn’t meet in a room that
had a bed in it we met in or in an in
another room I don’t know I don’t
remember but there was no bed in it
that’s what I remember
different different from other vibe from
other meetings yeah
so so first he was very happy and I was
very happy and then I guess I had a an
inkling that there was some connection
because we were in Germany and I just
wanted to confirm that he wasn’t
involved then he was not so happy and I
told him that you know I’d had a very
hard time and no he said it was to make
me strong and it was the only way it was
the only way that he would be able to
see me is to see me as a sex slave and
he had asked me questions about the men
that I’d seen so before we got into the
the grit of everything he’d uh asked me
questions about these men and he he told
me what is what’s their weakness so that
was part of the programming also to to
spot a man’s weakness just right on
and I I told him what their weakness was
I the one who had seen the most often
there were two but the one that I’d seen
the most often he thought he was a good
man so that was his weakness
and he left when I said that the
American left because of course in his
mind no one’s good and I was thinking
well he’s not good because he’s a
pedophile obviously but that was not on
isn’t that was not really on his mind
right but then when I was aware that he
was involved I got angry and terrorized
I felt a terror again and then he
he came I guess what was the
end of his cycle where I had seen his
vulnerability then he felt that he
didn’t belong when I left and he didn’t
know why I was laughing and he was the
kid who was always behind and couldn’t
really quite follow the other kids so
now he could say that I did not belong
because I was vulgar I was he said I’m
I’m vulgar and that I should have never
given me as much attention as he did
because I always just be the lowest of
the low and that’s who I am that’s why
I’m the lowest of the low
that’s why because I’m vulgar so in the
the first situation you were able to
connect with him when you were in the
the dungeon the basement and get him
feeling good about himself and this time
your reaction to his involvement in that
program you didn’t make an attempt
exactly to reconnect and flatter yes get
in his good graces and so forth exactly
I don’t I didn’t do I didn’t play
mention of your I don’t know I didn’t
feel that way in retrospect for sure but
what I felt was that that the terror
that I’d experienced and the the attempt
to keep my soul alive was and there was
nothing none of that was conscious so I
felt that I messed up in a really big
way and I just took it all on and his
felt that I it was all my fault and it’s
true you know I could look very
sophisticated but at the bottom of it
all this belief settled in me that I’m
really not worthy I’m really just the
lowest of the low and that’s a belief
that I held until I recently unlocked
all of this that I I never made money in
my life now I’ve privileged you know
we’re not talking about privileged but I
never was able to be empowered enough
financially so I realized that he needed
me to feel that way
that’s the connection with the abuse you
needed me to feel that way so that he
could feel that he deserved all the
billions that came in his family fortune
and the billions that he made in his
life because I was feeling that I didn’t
deserve it and there was this polarity
in through the abuse that he constantly
this projection I’m sure lasted for the
rest of his life and I got to carry it
further it for the rest of his life so
it was at my expense mm-hmm and in a
larger sense of this it’s that’s that’s
it you know the the the upper classes
are in the position where they are by
thanks to everybody carrying the burden
for them and of course the more
disadvantaged the person is the more
pain they have to carry they’re made to
carry and it’s not one without the other
that’s what maybe isn’t so well
understood right and that’s when we’re
gonna be talking about healing that’s
when we’re gonna come to understand like
how important it is for each person to
step up individually if they look at the
world instead of making a bad guy and
saying we got to kill them right it’s
I’ve got to look inside myself
rise up become have the self esteem yes
and and that and then the other side of
the polarity just sort of wisps exactly
yeah yes yes if each person becomes
empowered from within there will be no
need for an outer authority that lays
down the rules and then basically abuse
their power because that’s all that’s
ever going to happen that’s the only
reason people are in a place of
authority and anyone who starts out with
good intentions we just had an election
here
anybody I see them you know oh and
everyone’s so excited about this one by
the time that they actually are in a
place where they supposedly could make a
difference they’re completely sold out
and otherwise they fail they leave the
system or they get killed there’s no way
that anybody can rise through the
political power paradigm and end up at
the top with a good heart right and and
with truly truly able to do anything
there anyway those are the people that I
met that that abused me and now I’m
working with other people who have
experienced the same things I have so I
know that it’s continued and I know that
the current leaders are the same as the
ones that I ran into in the 60s and the
70s it’s exactly the same thing is
happening and and they’re there I think
a pedophile is better able to be
controlled absolutely yeah I mean that’s
part of the system from the higher up in
the hierarchy brings in people who can
be controlled then they become
controllers themselves and everybody’s
trying to prove themselves yeah every
time they act yeah their constant we
have this need to say I deserve to be
where I am I am Who I am I have a need
they have the need because they don’t
have the self esteem right so they need
to say right exactly they have to prove
it to themselves all the time and prove
it to themselves really means that I’m
better so you have a system that where
you climb and then you have the people
with the good heart and they have no
desire to climb this hierarchy to get to
the top they just want to be good with
everybody that they’re that they
encounter which is why it’s kind of
difficult to find someone who has the
power and the heart and the desire to
and has the will to get to a certain
position where they have power and
maintain that no way to keep your
integrity but
people with a good heart most people are
good most people are good but but the
brainwashing the brainwashing is really
intense and I everybody’s brain washed I
got myself out of my brainwashing
through the healing but the brainwashing
is intense and it’s everywhere and
that’s the that’s the waking up that
needs to happen exactly okay so I’m not
gonna get into too much at the end of
this one what I am gonna say is that
again if this was a little intense to
hear some of the things that you heard
that’s okay it’s normal there you know
there’s a lot of different emotions
there’s a lot of different feeling here
and anak has been incredibly courageous
to come forth and share this information
and especially as we get into part where
we’re gonna get into a little bit of a
deeper aspects of the story it’s it’s
going to be important not only for you
know obviously her journey to go through
what she has gone through but it’s it’s
gonna be important for us to pay
attention to the emotions the different
feelings that are going to come up as we
go through this so not much else to say
here at the end of part one but when we
get into part two we’re going to have a
little bit more at the end that we’re
going to discuss

Appendix 2

you
okay so just a recap on part one Annika
began talking about the early journey of
how all of her involvement in the child
sex slavery began when she was in
Belgium a couple of little things that
are interesting just to mention is that
you know a lot of times as people get
into this stuff like or pushed into it
or even looking at some of the people
that are involved we start to realize
it’s not like there’s typically much of
a choice and it’s not like sometimes it
doesn’t just go from you’re not in it to
you’re fully in it sometimes it’s a
process that unfolds that slowly sort of
you know sort of tinker’s people into
the entire process which happens on both
ends of this entire thing and as Annika
is going to discuss as we further get
into her story there’s going to be
incredibly important nuances that she’s
had the wisdom to to understand and to
reflect on that are very important for
us as viewers to this to understand so
please pay close attention to the stuff
that she shares in this next part and
again be sure to stick around because
this does get pretty heavy as we get
into this and we’re gonna you know kind
of go through a little bit of a
meditation at the end of this so that we
can make sure that we process the
various feelings that are coming up like
I’d like to take us back yeah yeah
because it’s not done of the chronology
yes
so chronologically so that was that
American man who dumped me there in
Germany and then somehow he must not
have spoken to the leader of the network
maybe he felt it as a personal failure I
don’t know but he didn’t say anything so
I was still used in the network in
Belgium but I was never taken Soren I
never saw the American again but somehow
the experiences had given me some as a
child there some kind of reputation with
the leader there who now started to use
me every time there was a visit from
VIPs so I I was so I was used
so I have recognized a lot of world
leaders visible are not so visible but I
found a lot of very easy to find and
then when I was 10
someone came in and an orgy very
different came with his father was
digging there for the first time by his
father who was clearly trying to get in
with the with the VIPs and he asked for
him me again there was something that
happened I defied him hmm he he was only
20 years old so I was very curious when
I saw him first gets very out of place
there were no 20 year olds there and
there were only very few children I
should say the children were like the
most valued commodity and we were
brought in off and later you know it was
it was it was not like there’s an orgy
and there’s the children to be used no
it was all very organised the children
would be brought in I was often waiting
with a handler in another room for quite
a while and then we were brought in and
then I often had to make the men feel
comfortable the new ones and and that
was filmed or or photographed secretly
and was and partly about blackmail or
the potential of blackmail that was
propped a part of that matter yeah sure
and no one ever said no I mean I guess
they got there in the first place so
they were that’s what I realized much
later yeah when I was a child I was
always thinking well the next man who is
gonna come he’s gonna say I’m not doing
you know but so I was really kind of
always surprised but they would they
were because I also I didn’t look older
I was first of all I was very young I
was 6 and a 6 to 11 but I always just
looked exactly my age and I was smile so
there was no question like it’s not like
well maybe 16 no not at all you were ten
at this point yes and so the 20 year old
came and made some snide comment to me
now you little whore you like your job
because I smile in it so now by this
time I was just so attuned again now I’m
just doing what feels comes naturally I
don’t even know but I’m saying you think
I like it here and I was very angry
which usually there was sometimes there
was a way to express anger but it was
always in that in that dynamic in having
to do with what this man likes right
specifically sexually and you were like
usually accommodating them and what they
were looking for in this case you were
clearly being defiant
I was defiant because he likes the
clients and he liked the finds and and
he was shocked he was also young it was
his first time now he’s brought there he
was completely shocked and when I saw
him I just got the sense of him like it
was a very strong feeling I had when I
just saw him walking and I thought he’s
too hurt he’s young and he’s too hurt
that was my feeling but I had a lot of
feeling for this person just seeing him
and so then he went and to the boss for
the network and just in the group just
went to the group and just asked for me
it’s just very unorthodox like you you
didn’t just go and ask you know it
wasn’t like this is a brothel I want
that one right that was not really how
it was done
sneaky or subtle or whatever with a nod
or whatever but not just like hey you
know I um so so meaning you actually saw
him going yeah yeah there was a an orgy
and there was another man who had been
sitting with me so he went and asked for
permission 20 also he didn’t care and he
didn’t care because he had a gun and he
wasn’t afraid to use it and that’s why
he was respected in the circles because
he was um because he killed okay so he
he took me to a room and he we were
taken by a handler who who was very
pissed off and having to be the gofer
but you took me to a beautiful room in
the small castle where we were in
Belgium near Brussels and he didn’t
touch me and he basically just stood
there and said you know then what you
want to do then I thought well I don’t I
don’t want to go to sleep that was my
bad but I didn’t think I could say that
but he didn’t touch me he didn’t touch
me for six months he wanted it to come
from me and then he also protected me
and he also I had my first therapy
sessions with him where he was kind of
trying to find out about the network and
so I was starting to open up to him and
I I told him certain things but not
everything but I
they’re done about the sacrifice
who was sacrificed that was the first
time I shared about it and I cried and
he was just listening he wasn’t really
emotional at all he was just listening
but I felt this back once again there’s
a father figure and he’s listening to me
and 11 to 20 nights now it doesn’t
matter if you’re a sex slave I did not
feel like his equal at all
it didn’t make yeah it made some right I
guess well it was better looking well
I’m better looking that was better but
no and then also he was very tall six
foot over six feet so he was sort of
getting a lay of the land and he was
particularly interested in the boss the
cabinet minister he wanted to know about
him who was very sadistic I shared
certain things again but always very
careful I was always very careful I was
and I also knew that once you have
protected this is very dangerous when
you’re protected because then you get
this other status and what did happen
before you know I was favored and also
now I talked about this but children
were getting killed children were
getting killed and I was you know the
body that I saw the first day that was
not the only body that I saw and I and
the boy was not the only boy that I saw
killed so children were getting killed
there were seven children at the time
five years that I was there seven
children personally witnessed I know
that these things were going on but I
was around or personally wasn’t
witnessed seven children
and I knew that when you are favored by
a perpetrator there’s always a danger
that when he drops you that you’re going
to be killed because you become a
problem or you may become a problem so I
knew that it was very device always very
very careful like knowing too much yes
you have information on them and their
vulnerabilities and they feel right like
the American right they felt they’ve
made themselves vulnerable to you so now
you may know too much I think so no I
think so I’ve heard another survivor say
that it was because they were afraid you
would then go and talk because you were
jealous when you were upset but I always
had questions about that maybe maybe
that too maybe there’s oh there was
always certainly the fear that we would
go and talk but in reality no one wanted
to hear anyway so I’m not sure they were
very very blatant and sort of the fact
of the extreme nature of what they were
doing was the best the best coverage no
one would believe it now we’re just
creeping up on a time where people are
starting to be willing to fathom and
again that’s why you know what you have
to say right thank goodness that this is
a time because it’d be very difficult
never to be able to be heard yeah but I
didn’t expect when I didn’t expect to be
heard I should say that because I wasn’t
heard in many years the norm was that I
was not gonna be heard and that there I
just feel like I didn’t actually have a
lot of situations because I would just
feel that this person is not they’re not
gonna they’re not gonna hear it so don’t
even
don’t even go there so I spoke very
little about it even many therapists
don’t really believe it so and I did
have a therapist once say that they
didn’t believe me yeah and but so first
of all this was a dangerous man he was
like me but he was dangerous no he
respected me because I had to fight him
and
after six months well I did start it
that I started it because my mother got
got in between a little bit she got all
excited about it she got all excited
about this when she saw him in passing
she was picking me up and he was
dropping me off literally so she saw him
she got all excited and I he had started
to tell me that my mother was no good
offering himself as you know the better
the better substitute me so I told her
she was no good and then she she started
she wanted to punish me and you know she
had no boundaries so I was severe
she stopped giving me food basically no
more food and then I was getting taken
to a place where this this gangster
never was I was still being abused
getting well took about a month a month
of no food and I was actually I would
steal some food when I could but she
wasn’t feeding me and
and then something-something occurred
something strange occurred with a girl
who was the daughter of the contact
person the countess who was the contact
person who called my mother up was
basically telling her where to bring me
a girl that was in school but this girl
was also abused in the network even
though she wasn’t a slave but she was
but she was from the bloodline she was
Irish socratic but she was being abused
publicly also with these orgies and she
had been abused by by her father and she
was very little that’s clear and this
girl it was difficult with her because
we were friends in regular life and then
in a network not so much so for me if I
didn’t have the men like me then I don’t
always got be gotten rid of and that
always meant death for her it didn’t
really mean that but it was always
difficult with her because there was a
lot of all right I didn’t think I was
competitive but there was competition I
think yeah and then V and I don’t think
she had a sense of her enos itself
either you know I think she had been
abused very early on she had actually
there was a physical evidence of it it’s
the first time she brought me to her
house she played a sexual game that we
played a sexual game and so she put a
pencil up her vagina were three years
old
she put a pencil up her vagina it went
all the way up so I tried didn’t go up
and I didn’t understand so she had
already her hymen had already been
broken so in retrospect I realized that
even at age 3 she’d already been reek so
she was very much
in need of the male attention in a way
like taking debt is like that’s the only
thing I’ve got that’s that’s it
and and so I was I stood in her way
and she set up a rape with boys from the
outside she she set me up to get raped
she was there she led me to the place
and then left and then these three boys
were there they raped me and one of the
and there’s more to this it was all very
complex it was about a very specific
thing that she was doing that for and I
had had to do with finding out that
there was no sex but I wasn’t getting
raped by the big gangster right a young
man that all the girls wanted you know
because he was good-looking
so she found that I had revealed that
information to her so she was gonna get
me real
maybe show me what I was missing or some
but it was clearly about that it was in
response to that and one of the boys who
was there who raped me he was 14 and he
I connected with him and he was sorry
afterwards and he wanted to see me again
and we you know he apologized and he
wanted to take care of me and he got rid
of the other boys and I connected very
deeply with this 14 year old boy who
seemed really big to me and again I was
just around my 11th birthday now so God
had happened and so and then I had been
raped again but I hadn’t been raped for
six months in the network and then I was
taken to this other place by my mother
where again I didn’t think I found out
later the men who raped me there was
high place official in a world power
never thought to even look him up until
you know it just dawned on me just well
and there he was hmm but once I saw the
best gangster again I gave myself to him
I feel so guilty that I’d liked somebody
else and I gave myself to him and once
it’s as soon as that started he started
his play playing out of his drama and
then had made him you know killer that
he was so that was very extremely the
abuse was very extreme my betrayals were
very extreme and there was a big lead up
because there was you know even though I
was cautious
I was also you know I didn’t have a lot
of options and when I came to love that
there well there was a lot more
reflection there than I was getting at
home
he was seeing things that are we’re not
being seen he saw and there was a sense
of humor intelligence that and beauty
that all things that my mother never
reflected so there was a lot there that
I needed so there was a lot of
attachment and then the abuse was
extreme extreme physical abuse slept
with my mother in front of me just
completely
stabbed me
and took me to the south of France to
have me heal from the Sun because it was
he meant it as a romantic thing so that
I would have something to remember him
by he stabbed me in the back of the knee
and that’s he has a slight limp Ian he
had been stabbed in the back of the knee
at one point so he perpetuated his
trauma onto me and well like all abusers
but more intensely there is a this
there’s always a there’s always a
contract even though you’re a child I
mean I’m speaking contracting that maybe
they’re the psychic sense there’s the
contract because the the abusers are
always looking at some kind of a part of
themselves the part that they need to
reject or a part that they need to
vilify or need to think it’s dirty it’s
all about you know what they have to
shun from their own consciousness that
they are afraid is there and they’re
afraid that it’s there because it has
one time been imposed and so that child
self becomes I become the physical
representation of that aspect of
themselves so with him it was just
elongated and it was just very intense
of his own I mean he stabbed me in the
backs of the knees twice once I was this
romantic thing and he took me to the
South of France and on the Mediterranean
and had time there to heal and the
second time it wasn’t anger and
he started to reveal a little by little
because he was still young enough his
own trauma that that was what he
actually stabbed me in the back of knees
in the same house that did that happened
to him in his parents house where he was
living by his father who had found him
with his mother in bed and blamed him
because he was already raping his son so
he was getting raped by both parents
separately and when his father found him
and his murder he ran after him and
wanted to kill him and maimed him and
then that father literally drove him to
his first um as a child like Bank bank
robbery like he drove his son to the
bank yeah yeah and then he was caught he
got caught he robbed the bank actually
tried to rob the bank he did you didn’t
he robbed the bank he was caught and his
father was also caught but his father
was led off and he went to jail so this
father was constantly making his son
wanted his son to be the bad guy very
badly obviously and he could be the good
a good guy sorry there’s a lot of layers
there yeah I got very deep with this
person he’s the one that rescued me so
it had reached its zenith I was supposed
to be killed but that’s the final you
know rejection and he rejected me that
was in the house this was the house it
was the house of the bus of the network
who was there it was the early stages of
an orgy there were children there but it
was not in that context yet it was early
there were just a few people there but I
was taken to a handler he was an
important person he was always the
middle man he was not
just like the other ones he was sort of
in charge of the other ones hobnobbing
with the big shots that he was a
businessman so I was delivered to him
and he started to – you know he was sort
of happy could finally get mad I was
always a problem
I was always considered a problem for
speaking up or you know and that’s not
following perfectly alone so he was
happy to be rid of me and so the first
thing he did is he grabbed me by the
hand like that and then he he put out a
cigarette on my on my arm so that’s this
this scar here when I stretched my arm
out it becomes like a line but it was he
had grabbed me this way and then put out
the cigarette oh it was more here than
and as this happened the gangster
standing there and he’s laughing at me
like don’t count on me and I was once
again you know taken over by some higher
power and I just straightened myself I
never felt this happened my
consciousness was just completely
merging with his and the thought was I
don’t need you and it was completely
locked again in this energetic lock with
this person and I saw him being very
like the first time he was moved there
was and I thought I’d gotten through but
I was so I’m being I’m being tortured by
one man yes
but the gangsters standing there and
he’s looking at me and he’s laughing and
that’s the person I’m connecting with
while I’m being tortured and I’m not
feeling the torture there’s been some
confusion about that yeah so he so he
was kind of sad
you anymore and I said that but then
yeah this is when you told oh well he
was much much worse than that yeah yeah
he rejected me I mean it was all
repetition there was even things that
didn’t make sense like how he was
yelling at me when he was rejecting me
when he was kicking me out of the room
we were in
it was strutting he was talking about
strutting which is something that he did
he said it was an arrogant whore there
was nothing worse than an arrogant whore
there’s these things that he was saying
though that were at one point he used
the male term you know he was just like
repeating and but I felt it definitely I
took it and I felt it but then then he
was present there and he was laughing
like you know don’t count on me and then
I shot back and I defied him once again
and this again does Defiance touched him
and he well I was taken away I was taken
away so there was one adult and then
they were children the children were
made to take me I was so my I don’t
remember how I my clothes were taken off
but right I was taken naked – so this
politician who is the boss of the
network there was a room in his house a
small room that had a very large
butcher’s block this – made sense later
on when I found out when I found out how
this man had started up it made sense
that he would have a butcher’s block so
there was a butcher large butcher’s
block and that had straps in it and I
was strapped onto this butcher’s block
now there’s one adult there who really
wants me to suffer and then there’s
fourth I keep thinking four or five but
I think it was four children that were
there the girl the daughter of the
aristocrats she was originally there but
she was not in the room
the four children who were there were
not they’re not part of the family so
they were being indoctrinated so they
were being made to do this so that they
would become Naumann used to and feel
like they’re perpetrators and they are
guilty so they were made to torture me
and I got very very high right away and
I got and some I’ve had a lot of help
spiritually over the years things that
happened and I’d seen light and my dad
reassurances and benign feeling and
benign presence and very loving presence
so there’s a lot of help and there to
just immediately
I was completely hi and I get to see
everything as energy and every you know
there was just energetic forms and I was
completely blissed-out for a while for a
while in the beginning so there’s the
maybe the the body reaction to the
trauma where you in the Free State and
then whatever the cortisol that’s
released in the system and so forth so
there was definitely that was also
happening but also the spiritual
sensation of seeing everything as
energetic beings no good or bad just and
forms of energy and light and so the the
children were made to torture me but I
didn’t feel for a longest time I didn’t
but I felt it but I wasn’t I didn’t have
a the maybe the human consciousness of
the ego of like I’m oh this is happening
and it’s hurting it wasn’t really like
that I felt it but I don’t feel like my
ego was getting in the way right there
wasn’t really and I was really high so I
felt it but I didn’t really
bothered me even though there were there
were definitely you know you can see
they’re there I mean and and it’s it’s
all over my body so they were using
various smile things there was a creep
under the bitch’s block that had these
smile instruments in it like a penknife
a corkscrew a fishhook there was a belt
with with nails that was sort of bread
around my arm so the nails on the inside
various tools there was an apple core
apple core that the man used that was
painful so I was strapped down and for
some reason it seems to go very quickly
and I’m starting to think that I didn’t
get through to this man and it’s going
very quickly like I’m there’s completely
covered with blood and the man was
somehow he got in as things progressed
and I was just getting completely cut up
he got the idea that my right foot
should be cut off he there was one boy
there he sent the boy the boy had the
fishhook he sent the boy official Kent
it was scary because it would go under
the skin first and then pull it if you
sent the boy off to get a cleaver to
hack off my foot
so I could hobble around he said so you
can hobble around like your boyfriend
meaning the gangster who so and then I
started to slowly he got in a bad mood
and I didn’t really understand why he
was in a bad mood I thought he was very
happy to get rid of me and I didn’t
understand why he was in a bad mood and
I had this question and I started to
lose the high and I started to feel that
I’m not ready and started to feel afraid
he does
I did to turn me around because I was
too bloody on the front so he just undid
the straps the thing the thing that
happened the last thing that happened is
the youngest girl there he was starting
to threaten the children like if they
didn’t he was in a bad mood so he
started to say if you don’t you know
you’re next if you’re not gonna and she
had the penknife and she was supposed to
to stab me and so they had undid and did
the strap in my arm was like that and he
was pushing her to stab me and she was
scared and her fear was the scariest
thing to me that her hesitation so she
she she she she did it and then she got
scared and she let go and the knife was
sticking in my my arm and he got angrier
and angrier and she got scared really
scared and so when she pulled it out she
twisted it and then suddenly I felt that
and I felt everything all over and
suddenly the itching the itching of the
blood dripping everywhere it just became
completely unbearable I couldn’t my
nerves just follow walk all at once and
I got really scared and suddenly now
they’re turning me around and there’s
like this black but the wood is black
because the there’s been so many you
know I figure there’s so many children
that have died here and I’m next and I
don’t feel ready and I’m just thinking
of all the children that have died but
there was nobody to love them I thought
that in that moment there’s nobody to
love there’s nobody to love me and
there’s nobody to love those children
enough for them to even live and I
became pretty desperate and very
desperate
and then the door opened and I’m
thinking now there’s the boy with the
cleaver now they’re gonna hack off my
foot but it was somebody else it was one
of the friends of the boss who said it’s
over and the handler was in disbelief he
said no you can’t you can’t be serious
he said yep that’s it you can all go and
he the handler said no she’s gonna give
us turtle
and there was she had no power there so
he and the children left and I was just
left there by myself in the room
then I realized that one of the children
had brought my clothes and I realized
this again this bond that we couldn’t
express but it was really there and I
just broke out in tears and I saw the
clothes there I’m realizing we were
connected where there was such a sweet
gesture to bring my clothes they could
have left them where they’d taken him
off you know but this child had picked
them up and brought them over so I just
really appreciated that and I was just
so grateful grateful for that and
gesture and then I was just grateful for
everything it was very hard to get down
I was in really bad shape full of holes
and it was not easy to put my clothes on
because I was in such bad shape and
I made my way
I was the bathroom there I try to clean
myself up and it was very difficult to
look at myself because I was really in
very bad shape
and I didn’t look like I was gonna
suffer I didn’t look like I was gonna
live much longer and I went outside I
shuffled outside and my jeans I wore
again I was so I had such gratitude for
everything
I might my I wore I hadn’t loose jeans
bell-bottom jeans so I was so grateful
that they were loose and my t-shirt you
know was whatever I was but the they
were getting stained and everything was
so and I walked out I saw I saw the
gangster he had a girl with him and he
was basically had this girl he was
having he was raping that girl right
there but it didn’t do anything to me it
was just not I wasn’t really there was
something else he put her down and he
sent her off and he came to me and he
said I was waiting for you and he guided
me and I was just again grateful petit
was waiting that he had been waiting I
didn’t know
I was taken to an office there’s the
boss of the network the gangster the
friend who had stopped and it was like a
lawyer time and a girl she was there
this girl was maybe nine years old eight
or nine I think nine I hadn’t seen her
before I remember what she looks like
now the boss of the network starts to
speak and he says you know so you were
saved you were let go you’re gonna be
let go but we don’t just do that you
know we don’t just do that here you
can’t just leave someone has to die so I
said is it gonna be you or is it gonna
be her and that was the girl was there
and I had been through things like that
before with animals so it wasn’t about
it wasn’t a real question like I knew it
wasn’t a question it was more about what
do they want and how can I just do what
they need me to do most effectively so
that there’s the least amount of energy
and time wasted and that it could be
what may be the most humane so I try to
tune in like what was this what what do
they want
so the gangster was standing against and
he was like flipping his foot he was
like flipping it so I’m just getting
this attention of this foot flipping and
there’s something like he wants me to
know and I think oh he was he wanted me
to be jealous he wanted me to be jealous
he wants me to he wants me to say that
it’s her
it’s I should say it’s hard be should be
killed because he he did that for that
reason I realized he did that in front
of me so that I would be jealous and I
would want her dead and I’m getting that
I wasn’t jealous at all but I thought
that
so I said her and he said the boss is
well and you’re gonna you’re gonna you
you’re gonna have to kill her and then I
thought I could you know I’d rather go
myself I’m barely alive you know it
wasn’t it’s not like I’m like I knew I
didn’t want to do that I’ve never wanted
to live after I did it and then I just
thought just for a second I mean I
didn’t really think it through like an
adult but it was just something that I
knew from what I’d experienced that if
I’d said I’m not doing it that she would
have been killed in front of me
probably in a worse way to show me to
punish me if that was always definitely
going to happen
so I realized that it would be the most
humane that I do it and that there’s no
way that she’s going to survive tonight
either way
so the the gangster took me to a
bathroom again to try to clean me up and
I saw look for a moment and then he just
saw me and he just wondered if I was
gonna live and I you know he tried to
cover it but I I saw it too and he drove
me to a house like a villa outside of
Brussels and there were the regulars
were there too so these are all Belgians
Belgians of Frenchmen that are that are
in the Belgian section of the network
the the boss was also there and when we
arrived I noticed that he the gangster
had always gotten a lot of respect and I
noticed that they’re sort of derisive of
him that they’re like not not caring so
much about about him and they’re sort of
laughing at him and I immediately sensed
the difference and I’m not sure what’s
going on when we are led into a an old
dentist’s office that was the walls were
knocked out in it but there was a
dentist chair there and the girl was
tied up to the dentist’s chair and so
the night was
and the girl was tortured I was made to
torture her I was being taught how to
torture because they were getting off on
it and I was the gangster was always
verbal taught me that I should strike
but being a tournament with her so that
I would get the electrical shock that
she was feeling in empathically and that
is then the sexual arousal but I didn’t
have any and any feelings towards that
girl for any desire certainly but also
any Envy at all all right you know for
jealousy I didn’t this didn’t exist and
I didn’t have that reaction but I did
you know do what I was made made to do
and then he gave me tons of coke where
he was doing a lot of coke he gave me a
tons of coke we would go off in the
corner and I overheard men saying that
he had sold his life and for what for
that little whore and I was just
starting to question him and I realized
that he made a deal while I was being
tortured he made a deal with the boss
that he was going to work for them work
for him I was just the left hand man
whatever he was going to be at his
service so he lost his power in the
network because it became a servant of
this boss
for my life but then there was also a
sense that I wasn’t supposed to survive
anyway so this is a very long this is
not really an overview but I can say
that I went through the experience I did
kill the girl I got myself into the
space where the girl was completely not
there anymore I walked around and I just
started to remember all the things that
I had been through all the ways in which
I’d been made to feel powerless all the
men that had raped me not one that had
stopped himself and then I started to
think about my mother and my mother who
had just never ever shown me any kind of
any love at all and I just started to
get aroused in that way and when I
struck I had been told that I should
slit her throat and I struck her in the
belly and even in the moment that I
struck it became this incredible
incredibly dense moment where I felt a
release and all the powerlessness that
it made me feel so frustrated but all
this energy was still there and all the
anger was still there
there was this channel this offer to
channel it in this way in this most
destructive way but in that moment there
was this complete release and I felt the
I felt what a baby should feel I felt
innocence been completely powerful in
this dense dense moment of the strike
itself
and and I struck an and I hear I heard a
scream and then I realized that was me
screaming as I did it and I struck it in
the belly and that was I knew I didn’t
like wanted to strike myself and my
mother’s belly as an as an as a fetus
I just wanted to had wanted to kill
myself and my mother’s belly and I fell
to the floor and I started to leave the
body and I started to the census started
to revert and I was very happy to go
and well it wasn’t finished there was a
an awareness in the room that I had to
well the gangster was crying next to me
for a little while but then something
happened and I got this there was this
light in front of me this beautiful warm
round Sun and I was getting all this
information and as I had before and I
was getting all this information through
that light and I was made aware that she
wasn’t able to die that she wasn’t dead
that she wasn’t able to die and that the
gangster who was the only person left in
the room he wasn’t going to do it he was
too scared so I had this I I had this
this thing put in front of me like you
have to go back because you have to help
her and I resisted it I didn’t want to I
really wanted to leave because I thought
if I’d died then the gangster is off the
hook with this with this boss the
politician and he doesn’t have to work
for him and then he will be free and
that’s my romantic idea that I’m going
to die and then he’s gonna be free and
he’s gonna be saved but I had to come
back to help the girl so I broke through
the resistance and I mental yes
just everything reverted started to
reverse because I had already lost like
since the census had started to revert
and last certain taste the sensitive
sensation of the tongue in the mouth and
everything had lost everything and it
was reversed it was coming back and I
crawled I I crawled over to her she was
on the floor too and then I was in a
divine space there
like it wasn’t me there was a girl she
was afraid to go because she was she
said she was afraid that she wouldn’t be
that she would stop existing and I I
assured her went completely channeling
is not at all me that she would continue
to exist that she would be her and that
she was lucky that she could grow and I
was gonna have to stay and she was lucky
to go and I rubbed her here I don’t know
why it just came naturally I just rubbed
her in between the eyebrows and she she
she passed and and then this light came
over me and then I went and I went and I
had let say an audience on the other
side of the ether
and there was a different realm beyond
the physical and I saw my teacher and I
was immediately I was greeted with a
joke there was something very ironic and
that was that was immediately addressed
and this play of light and dark you know
I was given how given this experience
now so that I would know what to strive
for and also some information and I
asked about the girl I said none of your
business really but she’s okay you know
she just went through a very difficult
test she’s lying
some questions some answers I’m not so
from cryptic and then returned and I
don’t know how much time passed but it
was my body was clean I was glowing at
least five pounds heavier the runes were
dry and clean
so one question with regards to your
personal journey which we’re talking
about and you’re there healing in
particular how does one deal with having
to take someone’s life and how do you
heal from them right I’m not sure if
I’ll ever heal completely from it I did
carry this burden though very very
strongly for most of my life and that
was the purpose for me to carry that
because I couldn’t speak out for example
the strongest reason one of the
strongest reasons why it was not so much
because I would be killed but it was
because I thought that I would be called
out as a perpetrator because I felt that
I was because I at 11 years old I was
given the choice and I had taken a life
so I had obviously worked in therapy I
had heard some good people tell me that
I was a victim too and I didn’t believe
it I wanted to believe them but I didn’t
believe it so it wasn’t until 2013
writing writing about the experience
again and suddenly I suddenly put it
together there were certain little
things that were missing from the memory
and in particular what I remembered is
what I had always done in the network
and I’d always thought about the way to
do the action that I was made to do that
I knew it wasn’t a choice and was made
to do it in the way that would cause the
least harm and then in this situation
that least Harmon
that I should kill her and I realized
that it wasn’t the guilt I had to guilt
complex I lived with this vast guilt
complex that everything that I ever did
or said I always went back and thought I
must have done something wrong in it so
it’s not introspection it’s a guilt
complex just constantly going back over
every little interaction I couldn’t
really function very well because I was
always you know any you know somebody
wouldn’t call back and I would worry
that I’d done something to upset them
you know and I wouldn’t maybe even ask
them and then maybe say no not at all
you know and there’s nothing to it you
basically but that just hung over my
life like it like a cloud for most of so
13 I was well I was it was right before
I was 49 it was right before my 50th
birthday so from 11 to 49 I held that I
had this tremendous guilt complex and
then when I when I understood fully
understood that I had to had to
internally believe it you know so once
that happens it was the birth I call it
the birth of self-esteem when I knew
that it’s not my fault but to take a
life I did that anyway you know that’s I
went through that action of taking that
life I think of this girl everyday you
know I know what she looked like I
I haven’t felt anything or anything but
I think of her every day and I am
thinking of small ways rituals to honor
the children that were killed in the
network the ones that I saw and ones
that I didn’t see and what what of your
experience let’s say your spiritual
experience of having heard some
confirmation that she is safe at that
time mm-hmm that’s a different room yeah
so yes I in that moment
I I wanted to know I heard that then so
it’s the spiritual in that sense it’s
separate as long as we’re in the body
and working out you just have to work
that’s psychology yeah go back and and
and really know it by feeling it right
so I don’t feel guilty today about it I
actually feel that because of that
experience I understand
killers I understand how they would
become addicted to that moment right I
understand it and I understand the
projection I understand that so this
girl when I struck she wasn’t that girl
at all so in the biggest sense you have
to dissociate and you have to project
onto the victim in order to do what you
do so that had been done to me but now I
was doing it and so she wasn’t that girl
at all she was my mother and then she
was me at the essence of it it was I was
killing myself
and that insanity is necessary to kill I
think this is a great time to take a
break I know it’s been hard for you guys
I know okay so I have to say that when I
first watched these first two parts
after we had filmed them and even the
rest of our team when we watched these
these parts everyone had some pretty
visceral sort of feelings or reactions
that came up after watching this whole
thing you know there’s a lot of stuff
that gets covered she’s obviously been
through such an incredible like
something that that you just you almost
can’t even put into words it’s
unbelievable what experiences she has
had leading up to this point in her life
especially when obviously when she was a
child and was going through this stuff
and that brings up a lot of stuff
because what you begin to feel is that
this stuff is real this stuff does
happen in our world and this is
happening through the people that we
just would not imagine are doing this
sort of stuff the people that we put in
positions of power and so forth and a
lot of this is starting to come down
we’re seeing a lot of different things
happen but you know this is really
humanity facing a dark aspect of itself
that we need to face that we need to
move through and so you may be feeling a
lot of different things as we go through
this and as we look at this and so we
wanted to really encourage we wanted to
really push for if you are feeling a lot
of different stuff as I did when I first
watched this I actually went and I
meditated right afterwards for about 20
or 25 minutes just processing the
different things that I had heard and
what it had brought up because that’s
important right when we watch something
in it bring something forward it’s put
us to observe it’s for us to understand
what am I feeling with this what am i
understanding because what were what
we’re going through as we see this stuff
is not just stuff that we’re feeling
within ourselves that’s part of it
that’s a big part of it right when we
hear this we feel this stuff within
ourselves right because it touches on so
many different aspects of lack of
empowerment or what it is that we choose
to support or the darker aspects of
humanity and thus ourselves right all
these different things but we’re also
going to be going through and processing
some of what the collective feels and
believe
around this stuff because we are all
tapped into that collective
consciousness so it’s important for us
to do this individual work here as we
observe and as we hear these stories and
really move through some of the
different emotions and different aspects
of humanity that are being asked to be
moved through at this time as we go
through this stuff so if it’s helpful
you know take a few moments 20 minutes
or whatever you feel an hour you know
write out some of the stuff you’re
feeling really explore this have a
conversation with someone that you may
have watched this with or perhaps you
you say hey so check out these videos to
a friend or something like that and and
you guys can chat it out after don’t
just kind of bury the emotions or
pretend that they’re not there or maybe
not want to face them I this is a very
very important aspect to this entire
thing and it’s why we chose to release
this interview and do it the way we did
and it’s also why we chose to to sort of
look at annika story as a whole because
her wisdom through this is truly the one
of the biggest antidotes to the Cabal
and from an emotional point of view
right this is it’s very very important
what she shares as we go through this
and we’re gonna get into that a lot more
in part three and part four but below
this video you’re going to see a link in
the description to a meditation that you
can do and you can download that’ll just
help us kind of create a little bit of
space a little bit of guidance to open
up the doors to to kind of process a
little further what we just hold so we
highly encourage that to to go through
that because you know again we don’t
want to see just kind of the failings
come up and then we just kind of bury
them we want to want to take the time to
go through this and obviously we know
and we recognize that what was just seen
was quite intense and we don’t want the
perception of oh that’s just negative to
be placed on this because it’s this is
much more important than than trying to
view it in that manner but actually
viewing it for what it truly is so we’ll
catch you in part three and part 4 where
we begin to go through the entire
healing journey the healing process that
Anika went through and this is where
things get I mean aside from the
intensity of the story this is where
things get really really important on a
consciousness level so be sure to check
those ones out

Appendix 3

okay so welcome to part three
here in part three we’re gonna start
getting into the journey that annika
went through as she began to
go through the healing process go
through the ev the aftermath if you will
of everything that sort of came after
how she went from you know going through
an incredibly
challenging period incredibly
challenging time
in her life to ultimately getting where
she is today which
as you can see in the interview yes
there’s some still some emotions and
stuff like that but
for the most part she is incredibly well
sort of stable and at a state of peace
about what has taken place which is
insanely inspiring when you begin to go
through and you
you pay attention to the rest of this
journey here which we’ll talk about a
little bit further as
as we get to the end of part four but
for now let’s dive into part three and
really start seeing how this all
sort of came together afterwards so we
left off before taking a break
um with this amazing story which i’d
love to talk to you about for hours
and hopefully we get back to it in some
capacities
this was as far as i understand pretty
much the end of your involvement with
the network but you can
can you tell us what came after and then
we’ll move forward from there
yes so
he he told me to wait outside there was
a body in the room
so i waited outside i remember
sitting under an evergreen tree it was
october
of 1974 and i remember
enjoying the breath
just these very basic things
became very poignant
and empty
he drove me home
and on the way home it was raining
it was just pre-dawn ripers
and he told me everything that i should
do in my life
he told me instructions and the first
one was
that i should never become a prostitute
that i should never sleep with anyone
for anything that i should never take
any money
um that i should never become a drug
addict that i should never
do anything to get drugs that i could
take drugs only if they’re given to me
but i should never do anything to get
them
i should not become an alcoholic i
should have maybe one glass i’m
11 years old i should have maybe one
glass or two a night no more
no heavy liquor stay away from the
liquors
i should get out of this country we’re
in belgium
he said you have to get out of this
country you don’t want to be here in the
80s
you’re going to get out as soon as you
can go to
london paris new york you’re going to go
to new york
and he said you’re going to go
back home you got to stay home with your
parents but you’re going to get
out as soon as you can just um
just stay there until you know you’re
old enough to leave
um he told me you have to get married
he said you can’t
you should not marry an older man who
made his own fortune
you should marry someone who’s younger
around your age who comes from a wealthy
family
preferably a family of new york bankers
that’s what he said now he was thinking
about a particular perpetrator
and that family now but i did
have these these
instructions with me i carried them with
me
[Music]
he said you should never speak about the
network if you ever say anything
then we’re going to come after you and
we’re going to find you and kill you
so that was also very clear
i think those are the main ones
and he drove me home
[Music]
i reconnected with him emotionally
sexually one last time
so that i i think intuitively to make
sure that i would
take those instructions very much to
heart
and and he
he then told me his whole story
his personal story of being abused being
raped by
not he didn’t call it rape but he
basically
very shamefully uh said that
his father had stabbed him in the back
of the knee
as he had me and that
his father had found him with his mother
and that
i guess he felt betrayed by him and so
he had this
this carried this thing on his shoulders
always that he’s a traitor
and then he did betray me
and he betrayed his friends and he did
that but he also
had that had that imposed on him by his
his father who called him a traitor for
sleeping with his mother when he was 12
years old
so he gave me drugs
to deal with my mother in the following
weeks because he figured that she would
be angry
and so he gave me some opioid sleeping
pills and everything and he said again
don’t take too much you can only take
half a day no more
um but i um and then he
let he sent me he basically let me go
i needed the drugs with my mother
and she actually tried to take me back
one last time
she did take me back one last time
behind
behind the back of the bosses clearly
and to a group of
extremely
sadistic aristocrats
that i i had seen one before i knew that
children did not make it through the
night with them
and they were
they she took me there it was in the
kitchen of a castle it was
after a hunt in daytime and their prey
was lying on the floor and um
the subject came up that i was a freebie
and that it was said that my mother
just couldn’t help herself that i wasn’t
supposed to be used anymore
and one of the men there that i’ve not
seen before
but i’ve recognized since as a a
european
um aristocrat
and said well she wants us
my mother wants us to do her dirty work
for her
i’m not going to be part of this he left
and another man left with him two other
men left with him
two men stayed i was abused again
and that was the last time that i was
taken to the network
then i
stayed home until i was 15 16 years old
i wasn’t home very much
i left school when i was 15.
i started having trouble at school to
middle school i doubled it
twice actually the eight ninth grade i
guess i doubled twice
i left
i left my parents when i was 16.
i lived with a man was you know was
actually called sex trafficking today
he was uh in his thirties and
um i
left him and then left the country
i was 18 i think when i left the country
i went first went to the south of france
where i had originally wanted to escape
um then i moved from there to london
i lived there then i moved to paris
and then i moved to new york so all the
state the cities that he had
named like thinking out loud i went and
lived in all of them and then i
i landed in new york and you were by
yourself
and and how did you had money
to no no i just found work
everywhere menial jobs actually
there because i was so centralized i
attracted men very strongly so there
were a lot of offers that i didn’t take
so there was a lot of modeling offers
and
that i just didn’t um i didn’t feel
comfortable first of all in front of
it’s been a long journey to feel
okay in front of a camera because there
were so many cameras used
when i was a child and
um so i could not get over that trauma
but also this idea that i should hide
because he was a gangster you know so i
should hide i should not speak
and then not speaking was like i should
be small
i should keep myself really small so i
just had menial jobs i did you know i
was always good with languages so i
would
be do secretarial work or
[Music]
and i just made my way made my way
um to new york
and
where i’d been taken where i’d been
trafficked before so there were things
that were coming back but
i couldn’t believe it i started to
remember
things i’m a young adult now and
the images come back but i can’t believe
it
and so it gets pushed back or
every time something comes back i start
to think oh
if that’s true i’m going to kill myself
that was
rather common like
if that’s true and there was this it was
maybe repetitive sometimes some images
came back
then i’m going to kill myself so i’m
trying to understand
when you when you when you left belgium
let’s say
you only had partial memories no
memories really
no memories so you had gotten
the advice from him to and then to
remember him you didn’t even remember
him
no so you went through a period of
somehow the
long period but but i mean to say
the
i like during the during the time
during the time period we talked about
also you didn’t really have any memories
of something that had happened you know
six months before
your before often yes and so when i met
the gangster who was asking me i just
answered and in answering
i started remembering so i had certain
memories
when he was asking me questions about
things came back then but yes in
the network certainly i know i did not
remember things
and was there some programming for you
not to remember things as part of
yeah yeah that was the whole point i
think the dissociation that happens
through trauma is part of the
training and um to
get into an altar and then in the altar
goes and
pleases the man and sexually that was
definitely
i mean that was always there
through the abuse itself but then there
was also the actual training
in germany that was very specifically
working with all this
um precise knowledge about how trauma
works and how dissociation works and
how alters can be called out
through cues
do you feel like you had alters
specifically sure
yeah i had alters and i had certain cues
not through the network because i wasn’t
connected anymore i’d been rejected by
the one
and then i’d been put out taken taken
out rescued
by the other so i
um i didn’t have actual cues to go and
please men anymore
from the network like certain people
that i know
they got they would get a call and then
there’d be you know
the voice would say a word and they
would go and do
go certain places and knew what they had
to do so that was never my case but
sometimes things were triggered
through certain cues internal or
external and i would
go into a certain program and all quite
unconsciously really
okay so you’re in new york
and how old were you when you got to new
york i was in my uh
20s early 20s 23
1985
although it’s possible that it was 1984
because i think the challenger exploded
right
after i got here okay
so i i lived here for several years then
i went to los angeles for a class and
stayed there and after
some time there i started going to
therapy
and soon after i started therapy
i broke through something
something was broken through and i
started to cry and i just cried and
cried and cried for three weeks
because i and i felt that for the first
time in my adult life i found something
real
and this was not something that had been
repressed that was something later on
that had happened that this person was
abusive and
i had was protecting them i didn’t see
it as abusive
so in the tears i felt
there’s something real here so i wanted
to start exploring
so i started to go into deeper into
therapy i really
liked therapy i really liked
the concept um
and then i went to several therapists i
or circumstances i didn’t really fire
everybody but
that i just knew that i couldn’t go
farther i could go this far but no
farther i couldn’t really
i started getting more and more
flashback racks of the network
but i didn’t have any context for it
because i never heard of anything like
that
that was just i think in the early 90s i
started to hear about it with
they called it satanic panic but in the
80s
i don’t think i wasn’t i never saw
anything i just didn’t know where this
could be coming from how
how this could possibly be true
and and then
um so there were more and more
flashbacks but i just
try to just push them back because every
time i had a flashback i also had a
suicide program i had a message that i
should just kill myself and then these
messages started becoming quite
persistent
of how i should kill myself and it
became but i never wanted to go there
was a clear resistance to to it as well
but then
i moved back to new york
in 97
and it was
i was already back in new york when i
found out about the dutyquest in belgium
right and this was right when i was
looking for
a therapist at the time and the
tool case was suddenly giving me the
context of my experiences
and people had already come forward and
it was already at a place
i think i found out about it when the
magistrate who was going to
who who was sincere and who said he’s
going to
get to the bottom of this he was already
taken off the case
and so i knew that nothing was going to
happen
so i never even considered testifying
for the little case and all the
testimonies because
people did come forward and specifically
one woman regina luff whose
experience was very similar to mine um
as extreme similar people even
involved and of course i was before
duterte was involved he’s more my age
so i was sold before he was old enough
to be active
but she had seen him
and she started remembering a lot as she
was testifying
so she was very raw but no
you know the support system were the the
cops that were listening to her
but those cops were thrown off the case
as well right
so the two case gave me this
context but i still couldn’t really
quite believe it
well he himself was saying that there is
a ring
he said that at first yes afterwards he
said no
oh okay yeah when he was first caught he
said that he was just the small and that
he was
he had friends in high places yeah yeah
um
that would protect him which clearly
he was somewhat protected um but also
30 30 people there’s a book out about 30
people that were killed that had some
evidence leading to the existence of the
network
and all the testimonies relating to the
the network were cut off from
the trial that took eight years
to come forward to to come to trial so
when 2004
by that time um well i distanced myself
from belgium a lot obviously and
that country well they’ve got something
to deal with there that
it’s not being dealt with there’s the
the people went back into demaio
i think and maybe hopelessness when
nothing came up to the two case
but meanwhile i found a therapist who
even though she didn’t she wasn’t
an expert in this kind of work she was
open
and i started to
i started to get into the feeling the
feelings
so the horror
the horror of certain things that i’d
witnessed and that i’d experienced
but it was mostly the horror the pain
was mostly for others
not so much for myself it was for more
for the other children
and betrayals because i was so attached
to these
father figures and so just
to move from the perspective that they
were my father and that they were this
person who loved me so much
to move from that perspective of the
child
to the perspective of the adult who sees
the abuse
and who just takes everything into into
consideration
that is the journey of healing from the
child’s perspective
to connect with all the feelings that
have had to be
split off in order to keep that image
alive of that person
and then they split off feelings um
they have their own life disconnected
from the
from the source and then you know i was
constantly in some kind of
part of my trauma story always ex
re-experiencing these feelings but not
really
connected so with the therapy and the
specific connecting
uh of the feelings with the original
cause that into
when that happened when that uh when i
was
grieving in therapy for what had
actually happened
first of all i knew that it had happened
i didn’t have to wonder if it was real
or not
and and i also knew a lot more because i
understood i understood
i was learning you know everything i saw
everything that i had done before that
was separate you know how these feelings
had gone into other places
and i was seeing how i had been
repeating this
and i was seeing how i was now different
actually cellularly different from
the integration that was occurring that
i
didn’t just feel more whole but i was
actually a different person looking out
of different eyes
and people were responding to me
differently
and the bigger the pain and the
suffering
and the bigger the the issue
or the betrayal that i was working
through the bigger the change and the
integration afterwards
so i always felt this very spiritual
deeply spiritual work
and feel this growth and it’s
exponential i get to be
more myself i get to get a sense of who
i am
through it the petroleum versus what
i’ve tried to
impose the all the personas that i’ve
tried to take on
you’re talking about things that cannot
be described in words
right it’s true and we do our best yes
you know our own experiences that don’t
have words and to put words to them but
their words become pointers to say there
is such an experience
you you’re aware now there’s such an
experience though you’re not going to
have the experience by just hearing
about it
it’s going to be by going through it
exactly it’s not the knowledge that’s
conveyed
by passing along information it’s
experiential
and um it’s actually
the way through feeling so connecting
those
repressed feelings with their
psychological cause causes this
integration and the healing that i’m
talking about
and that is
so my my healing journey that’s been my
life
the insights that i received the wisdom
that came
from going through these
going through the pain feeling the pain
connected to
its origin the wisdom i received through
the suffering
because i could see that this is true
for me and i could then also see that
this is true for everyone who will be
going through this
now is it the feeling and being willing
to be present to the feeling or sit with
the feeling
that allows you to follow it through to
its source it’s original it can be
anything
like sitting with the feeling and being
with the feeling it sounds almost funny
because i would be
it was at times so dramatic so dark
so the tears were just um the
physical pain the physical endurance
needed to even
have the grief right because it’s so um
big um
but as opposed to running away from this
uncomfortable way and taking pills
i mean nothing against pills you know we
all need to
be able to balance ourselves somehow
i’ve never
taken medication i’ve never taken any
medication
obviously i had suffered from massive
depression
massive um i could have been diagnosed
probably as many
different things but i my therapist
bless her soul never really wanted to
diagnose me because she wanted to see me
as whole
that’s you know that’s the start of
the start of healing is when you have
someone who’s helping you who says
you just find the way you are right yes
you just find the way you are
and she was helping me she became that
reflection she became the mother that i
never had
or she became maybe an extension of the
original caretaker who was also
right sweet woman so there was
these qualities of humility and
sweetness and
acceptance and no judgment and
that um
like she could honor me for what i went
through
even if i couldn’t honor myself
and she became the safe person she was
very thorough very smart so
so she wouldn’t let anything pass or she
because she was thorough i started to
trust her
that’s how i picked her actually because
she was thorough she was
mindful and brought things through
and she wanted to honor your commitment
to feeling the feelings
and getting through them yes right yes
and she never had a question about
you know even though we were going to
these extremely dark places
there was never you know there was never
she never doubted it never doubt and
never
you know she’d never heard of it before
it was as it as you described it and
that’s how she handled it
and was this a well she helped me to
know also that it was real
through her reflection um
like she like
it takes a long time to really fully
because it’s gradual it’s a gradual
process so there’s always there would
always be this moment that
maybe it wasn’t real you know maybe it
was well maybe i made it all up
so she would always help me never
[Music]
never imposing anything right but just
to help me
you know get back to myself
and was this a psychotherapy yes yeah
this is classic psychotherapy and then i
some years later so i was already doing
yoga then
so um i was in therapy not with this
therapist but i was in therapy when i
started yoga
in the early 90s and i immediately felt
oh this is the physical therapy i’ve
always needed
because the breath of life the breath
and the movement alignment
so i used um so i wanted to use yoga but
i didn’t like the way it was
done it was
it wasn’t conducive to healing but i
knew that it was healing so i was doing
it anyway
and just getting over the obstacles
every time
of the ignorance of the teachers so
you’re talking about
like the typical westernization of yoga
and going into a studio
and it’s just all about postures and
posturing
which physical therapy i needed it was
great
but then i also entered um i was at
a bookstore in los angeles
and saw there a picture the picture of
the being
that i had seen when i was on the other
side
wow
and then that memory started to started
to come back
but again it was like no but familiar
and
best question man or woman i don’t know
that was always a question even on the
other side man or woman i don’t know
so that was paramahansa yogananda
speechless wow yeah
so i started to i read the book
the autobiography of yogi and i started
going to the i was turns out i was
living right by the temple
the hollywood temple at the time so i
started
the meditations there in
the early 90s and i had so i’m still on
that path
so that was the yoga like the raja yoga
the the path
and then there was hatha yoga which was
like
the the physical therapy except that it
was
that that there was a lot of confusion
in the hatha yoga world
what was spiritual and what was physical
so but with the guru that i had you know
i would just
see these other gurus and
their way falling back into the same
issue as the people who were so powerful
in my youth
and here are these these other people
who become gurus and who are
becoming addicted to the power yeah yeah
and i’ve always been uh prone to
wanting power because i didn’t have any
self-esteem
so without the self-esteem
uh well i studied earlier
before we were recording but without
self-esteem it’s really really difficult
to live
because self-esteem navigates you
through the world
and uh without without it which was me
for
the longest time no self-esteem
all there is the best way is when
there’s drugs you know to forget about
everything
and then there’s power which
is supported by everything in the world
like okay well now i’m somebody
um and that was offered in the beginning
through the
photo modeling and everything and then
it came in different ways it was always
somehow there
and i was also attracting men of power
just into my
sphere because of my past because they
were like oh there’s something there for
me
and like psychically like okay i’ll give
it to you
but not really because now i’m not i
don’t have to
so no um particular physical contact
with
people of power or fame you know kind of
the same a different version of the the
same addiction
um so i
i was always observing i felt like a spy
i was trained as a spy
um to find people’s weaknesses but now i
was always felt like i was a little bit
spying in sort of the power dynamics
looking at power dynamics and how people
we
respond differently around someone with
power
or how they respond differently to me
according to how they see me
right so
so in my own healing there were certain
people who were able to get through to
me so at first i was completely
shut off shut down as a young adult
nobody could get through
and then certain people did and so my
therapist was like
the therapist i mentioned was over the
long
over long run she got through to me but
there were people who could do it in an
instant
and they all had these particular things
in common
i saw them as an authority so whatever
for whatever reason they were
i put them in a position of authority
over me
so i gave them my power but they didn’t
act like it
they didn’t act like they were attached
to that power they didn’t need
they weren’t addicted themselves so they
didn’t need this status
that they didn’t need the power i gave
them so they were humble
so they weren’t playing the role because
if i see somebody
as powerful if i have that projection
they’re actually already an abuser
they’re a substitute abuser for me and
i’m going to do
what people do with people who are scary
i’m going to please them right like a
child so i’m going to
placate them but they don’t care about
that either they don’t want
me to uplift them they don’t need that
so then i’m like where there’s something
off here in this dynamic
is not working um but i can also tell
you that a lot of men
absolutely are you know when you start
to butter them up
they really love it they need it and
then that’s it
but then they’re done for me right i’m
done with them then
right but um those people that were not
attached to it they were not playing the
role of the abuser
then i would start to test them because
now
they are you know they’re safe right
they’ve now told me that they’re not the
scary person they’re safe
so i’m gonna like start poking yeah yeah
to see if it’s just a clever ruse on
their part they’re playing it
yes and this young part in me uh needs
needs love needs real love versus abuse
so she’s trying to to test this
like children do so now then i’ll be
testing
and then well then
there’s another whole bunch that would
leave you then right there you know
because then they judge you
and then there’s some people that didn’t
judge me so if i
if they were not judging me then and
it’s like completely confused
and this state of confusion
it’s in the power dynamics starting with
someone who i saw as an abuser
and it goes for everybody but in this
this specific power dynamic
like say two people they have
gone against my expectations several
times
and here i am i’m vulnerable just like
the moment before abuse happens there’s
vulnerability because you feel
something’s different but you don’t
quite know what
so there’s this moment and in that
moment
i could just be vulnerable and then that
would be it but if they said something
verbally that was an affirmation of me
that was something confirming that i’m
valid that i have valid as
validity as a human being that i’m good
they can just say
you’re a good person or um
something specific about me that’s
positive
then it would immediately throw me into
the healing into the grief actually it
would immediately
make it clear that i was projecting the
difference with the abuser before
the um that i
that the difference with what the abuser
had originally done versus what was
happening here
the unconditional love that i was
receiving now
the acceptance and that’s what moved me
away
gradually from this idea that the
abusers are all powerful and that i have
to adhere
to their rules completely which i guess
i never
completely did so finally you had some
models that
were powerful and yet would not take
advantage of that
you could allow yourself to be
vulnerable and then
that at that moment something resonated
if it’s a
if it’s a very high sort of idea or
emotion or feeling
it just resonates to say that’s real
that’s more real than this game that i
was
in before yes absolutely that’s the
model of unconditional love
and that’s the basis those four
conditions are the basis of the
unconditional
model which is a healing modality that
i’ve come up with in
in my years of the work that i’ve been
doing
but this was before these things
happened before i had any self-esteem
when i really needed the power and i
didn’t have any
way to navigate myself it was difficult
difficult to live because i didn’t
really want the power i wanted it but i
didn’t want it
so it was very difficult it’s very
difficult to
say no to the power and then feel all
the
feelings on the other side of it when
you look at someone who has power
you can just assume but on the other
side of that high that they’re getting
there that they’re that you may be
giving them
by putting them up there because this
new politician who is going to make a
change you know
whatever you’re doing there on the other
side of that is
their sense of humiliation their
insecurity about who they are
and that’s the darkness
is that the child’s fears that they’re
bad
and invariably with all the people in
power
all of them they have this other side
which is a hurt
little child that they cannot get in
touch with
because the shame is too great and their
protection
of their own power figures has been
too strong too they’re too afraid to
break out of it
they’re too un badly equipped
mentally emotionally to so it’s the weak
people that have power
and that perpetuate the system of power
abuse
right and that requires that a whole
segment of the population
is suffering right so that they can
feel that they deserve where they are
and whether it’s the prisoners people of
color
in this country women to a large degree
but then women are also into different
categories but they’re always
they always are i think most women are
aware that they don’t
have the privilege of men right um
through
all the harassment and the disrespect
that you get as a woman
so it’s all set up and in a way that
you’re supposed to climb and that
climbing means from poor to rich
and it means to move away from your
trauma
and your pain to the top where you can
be
in the role of the authority that was
abusive
to you when you were little so that you
can then pass it on onto everybody
that’s below you
yeah and in the process not have to
experience
it within yourself all to avoid that
yeah
it’s all to avoid that so this
outer war to a certain degree in the
state of the world
has a lot to do with each person not
just those
powerful persons who are the sickest
elements among us
that’s why they’re not among us they are
they are covering their sickness all the
time
psycho psychopathy is a an intelligent
psycho psychopath is maybe the most
dangerous person
on earth because you know there are
psychopaths
who have maybe 20 victims but the
psychopaths that are in charge of the
world they are creating you know
to hundreds of millions of victims
without blinking yeah
and there’s definitely that sickness and
the the reason that the world is in this
state is because
the brainwashing there’s so there’s
first there’s this
just hurt little child is hiding
underneath
the powerful person and the armor
is the power that’s around them so you
never get to the
child and they don’t either and then
there’s all these lies that have to be
put out to keep the lie in place that a
person of power
is actually that big authority that we
need to listen to because
if we don’t listen anymore if we don’t
give them that power if we
then there will be no nothing there it
will be gone
bring them that power so so that really
speaks to that kind of
leads us into this idea of how do we
heal the planet now in this time of
awakening how do we
what’s our role as individuals in that
process so what would you
if you can expand on that like for for
everybody that’s
that’s watching so my
role i guess has something to do with
the experiences that i went through
and were all about power i was always
looking at power
and the healing modality has to do with
looking at power dynamics
in order to
look at external power dynamics and how
we fit in there
and internal power dynamics that’s to
say
who do we still look up to as
our internal children that have been
traumatized that are still
looking for a savior still looking for
daddies to looking for mommy
and who do we look down to as
these aspects of ourselves that we have
yet to embrace
that we have the shame that we have been
shamed so we have
we have rejected those aspects of
ourselves we
cannot face that you know too much shame
um that’s who we judge
so i spent most of my adult life looking
down on extremely powerful men whereas
most people it’s a little bit different
right it’s like
if you’re more into the the
conventional power structure you would
look down on the poor
because they are not you know
but somebody who is completely in line
with the conventional power structure
uh whose inner and outer
chart of the power structure is
completely is the same
as the inner is the same as the outer
that would be a psychopath
that’s somebody who has who looks up to
people are in power and looks down at
people who are not
and just basing their own self-esteem
and sense of self and identification all
based on where they are at
in this power uh structure
uh external power structure so all their
value comes from without
and and and this network and the people
in this network
their big motivation is to rise up in
the structure and keep
yes getting higher and higher so that
they have more power to exert
and more of a group below them to
to oppress or they’re born into it and
um
but the those who are born into it
so at the bottom of this
is child abuse and so
the agenda is to sexualize and
pornography
you know the pornographication of
everything and sexualization of
everything
that the eventual goal of that is that
that child abuse would be
um accepted and you do your research i’m
sure you know that there’s a lot of
voices that are going in that direction
especially in belgium and holland which
is i think
i think that um we were sort of like a
test market
for the agenda oh yeah i think so
i think so it’s certainly a
concentration of those
those most you know these ideas that
directly come from the agenda that i
overheard
this um perpetrator speak about with
this friend
um
so with the like there’s so there’s an
attempt out there to sexualize
yes and normalize
normalize child sexual abuse so that
that is the the hurt child self
those children from the families are
also abused
they’re also being indoctrinated into
the system
through abuse and some of them
have also been trained like me
we’re also sent to these training
facilities which are not training it’s
just torture um
and used for special purposes and um
so i think that the
the way to humanize the most evil men
and women in the world um
is to say that to look
at the fact that privilege exists
and privilege acts as this external
um way to keep the system in place that
you you’re born into privilege then you
never even know that you’re attached to
it
but it’s at the expense of all these
people who don’t have that privilege
so that’s how it works and the more
privilege you have
you can be completely ignorant and think
that you’re just
you know a good person except that
that this your ignorance is causing all
this pain
with people who don’t have that
privilege um
and it’s just the awareness of it it’s
not well you’re you know there’s
something wrong for you for being born
no it’s just being aware of what you’re
receiving
just by being male is a really big one
but
white is another big one and um
you know this know what you’re receiving
for free
that you may have a set you may think
that you
you have a good self-esteem and wonder
why the woman
doesn’t for example you know and i can
tell you why she doesn’t
but that privilege is these layers
layers of the societal layers that
keep the structure in place that the
great equalizer is that the children
are all vulnerable so children are born
they may be born with privilege but they
don’t have any power
and as children all children are the
same
and they’re all vulnerable extremely
vulnerable they’re the most vulnerable
and so the system goes to the children
and perverts them
because someone who completely is
completely loyal to their
perpetrator their abuser that they loved
and children loved so
this my main perpetrator he was loving
his abuser
and that’s how he was being loyal by
abusing me
and doing everything that he did was in
loyalty to this
um their abuser so he was coming from a
five-year-old boy
place yeah they were modeling it for him
and then he was
going ahead and doing that as he was
doing that he was now
the exactly just no no healing in
between
and um there’s this loyalty to the
abuser
that is the crux of the paradigm is
loyally to the abuser
loyalty to the power is loyalty to the
abuser
and their own children are being abused
and i think that’s the way that we can
come back to some form of compassion
because the the deeds are so dark and
a lot of people have trouble even
um understanding how anybody could ever
do anything like that
and there’s a lot to talk about how
somebody can
gets to a point where they do that i
know i know how why they do it
how they do it and but but i can talk
about it all day but
let’s just say that most people hear
something like that and go
how could anybody i have a heart i’m a
human being how can
one human being do that to another human
being especially a child
yeah so we so we can say so right now
you can take a look at the world and
look at the power structure
and you can say that whole power
structure
is founded on child abuse the abuse of
the children within that power structure
as the foundation of their later
psychopathic behavior and desire
to rule and to
to have power over others in that way
absolutely so that’s what that’s what
we’re dealing with as opposed to
we’re dealing with isolated incidents of
this abuse and that abuse
it’s actually the foundation of the
system
and that’s one thing that we need to
come to grips with and
realize it actually is very enlightening
to come to that realization and then
from there try to piece together not
just the power structure but our
relationship
to it right in other words you were
talking about
you can tell something about a person if
there’s an alignment with
the the power right it means we’re all
somewhere on the scale yeah yeah
it means you know if you’re totally
aligned and you just flow into it
it means you’re psychopathic means
you’re looking up to people who have
external power but no internal power
right you look down to people who have
no external power but obviously they
have
power because they’re enduring the life
that they’ve had to enjoy the strength
that comes from that is not to be
um um ignored
yeah well that’s and and once we
so so from that side but it’s not valued
well it’s not valued yeah yes it’s not i
mean that’s why
we’re talking one of the reasons we’re
talking today is to bring value to it
and make people realize
people that have have suffered they’re
humble they’re good people
they they try to serve others
how much not just value to themselves to
their
friends but how much value bringing that
forth has in the healing of the world if
we all come together
and realize how we have the power we
have the power
yeah we do yeah so we so my
my model is about going inside
first not outside but first going inside
looking at our internal power structure
to break out of our own internal
prisons of power structures to heal
because once we do that the external
structure will fall away that was my
journey from being completely
you know caught in that power structure
to doing more and more internal work
and the more internal work i was doing
the less
the outer values matter to me
so that’s each one’s journey personal
journey
but on an awareness level
it’s to understand i think if if you
assume if you’re looking at a politician
assuming that
they there’s a hurt little child there
that is in need to prove
to how big they are even if they’re not
maybe boisterous because
you know with trump everybody you know
there’s this huge distraction with trump
that
uh it’s just such a great way to keep
the division going like
oh yeah fantastic you know what a great
idea i would have done the same thing if
i was
if i was a social engineer um
uh it’s like it seems like we’re going
backward because everybody all the
liberals are focusing on trump now
but um meanwhile everything’s happening
behind everybody’s back
and every all the the the the dark
agenda
is being furthered very well and not
because of trump but
because of um because of um
the agenda that trump is also
just a part of he’s not a he’s not a
he’s not like some people in the
community of uh
uh believe that he’s a like a white or
whatever white hat whatever he’s not
he’s not he is part of it he always was
and he’s no different he just doesn’t
quite belong
because he was the vulgar one right he’s
the one who
who’s not um who doesn’t play the game
in the smart way
he’s just too obvious but um
he’s easy an easy target and that’s why
you know look at look how easy he was
and um
just to serve as such a distraction and
everybody falling for it i’m really
stunned
that everybody has fallen for it to this
degree
um but i’m all even with low
expectations
i’m still a little bit stunned that it’s
worked that well
um and then i live in the united states
too so
there’s a lot of people that don’t have
the distance that people from outside
um have but
if you look at any person who needs
power
any person whether they’re on your
political team or the opposite political
team
whether they’re really smart
no like i read i i was looking something
hollywood a hollywood type thing and i
was reading
i was reading i was following the uh
asia argento story because i thought it
was very
um particular and
a good example in a way of power and she
was threatening you know she was coming
from this place of
revenge and threats and then you know
everything that’s happened since then
yeah and um
but i was just reading the the letter
that uh a letter that was put out in
that
in that context by a lawyer that letter
really very cleverly um
addressed the metoo movement and the
concerns of the metoo movement that if
you
are interested in me too you’re going
like yeah that’s right that’s exactly
right
i’m with you and then it would say
hollywood has always stood against the
abuse of children
and then that line stands out to me
because that’s what hollywood is all
about
except we haven’t accepted that quite
yet you know there was one that
was outed and then that story kind of
went away quickly he lost his job and
whatever but still
we’re not really talking about that
story we don’t really
want to believe yet that the media is
really just a tool
and that the bigger it’s always the same
thing
the bigger they are and the more
important you think they are
the more they’ve been compromised and
the more it means
that they are being um
controlled by the people that have the
dark agenda
and that have no good intentions for
anybody
so even the alternative media has been
co-opted and then it becomes like the
you know it’s the the opposite the
controlled opposition
it’s it’s uh it’s very it’s a very
well-oiled machine
and to break out of it we have to really
understand that it’s the system itself
that anybody who’s big and powerful that
you want to follow you got to look at
yourself and ask yourself why you want
to follow that person
why you want to trust cbs or whatever
that’s a great point i mean i wanted to
come back to this idea of
each individual’s healing journey
and how it relates to uh
how they relate to people that they
admire the authority and then how they
relate to people that
you know they might be projecting on to
or judging
or discriminating against and the
authority that’s also a projection
so that’s why that’s what uh power
addicts live on on those projections of
power so if you think that this
star for example you know any star is
that the greatest thing on earth you
know and
such a good minute you think that you’re
already projecting
and as much as you love this person that
you don’t know
you are still um placating
sending this energy out that
that’s why i was so prone to it because
when people a lot of people like you at
the same time
a lot of men think you’re desirable you
know you feel that you become
you look more beautiful i look more mute
i would look more beautiful if there’s
men desiring me around
i actually start to look more beautiful
um
i i feel it it’s pleasant it’s a
vibration it’s kind of like heroin
it feels like like that it feels like a
heron height
so it’s not to be dismissed the energy
that we send
but then we have to say when we do that
when we send that energy we’re already
projecting this is already a stand-in
for some authority figure from our past
who was hypocritical in a sense that
they were hurting us but they needed us
to to make them good and so we’re
already doing that as soon as you
have an an admiration for someone
that um
you just put them up yeah you put them
up on a pedestal
so there’s always that inequality that’s
created
and so then it became rather than
relating to someone as a fellow human
being
right where there’s that neutral as an
equal equality
yeah right and you feel like you know
let’s do stuff together and
there’s this projection to to above
and then there’s it’s would you call it
projection below as well yeah yeah yeah
there has to be if there’s above so
below
yeah okay so what
what can we uh you know from your own
experience
what can we suggest to people to i guess
for their own healing
journey pay attention to in terms of
this power structure is it
is it really all about coming to the
realization that
when you’re really in balance you
everything’s at the level with everyone
else
and there’s no judgment on this side
there’s no
kind of adulation on this side it kind
of becomes
but that comes after the work right
after the work well i like to think of
the
maybe the as a model maybe the
matrilineal
um native tribes where um there’s a true
egalitarian concept that everyone is
honored as a human being
and of course we honor the earth we
honor the earth as a
as um as a very big but very sensitive
mother
figure and um the connection to the
earth
and the female strength
like females have been enduring for
thousands of years
and as mothers and because of
the abuse that we’ve suffered i think
to recognize once we get into the
healing
when we start to heal we start our
healing journey
that’s really where the strength comes
from because if you’ve been through hell
but you you haven’t healed then
you haven’t learned anything but you’ve
been through hell
then you start to heal from it you start
to go and feel the pain
you start to become more conscious it is
to also then
know that that is where it’s at