Hello, Police?…I need to file a report


This post is from This Man Cries Blog [3]

I think it is a powerful piece of writing, which may help others. It tells a bit of his journey in disclosing his abuse.

I do like to amplify others voices if I can and also encourage people to start telling their story when they are ready. Also I think it gives help to others who may want to start their own blogs.

If someone has written their own story or a part, it is relatively quick for me to repost to amplify.

I have merely cut and pasted Daves post, with his permission, so also check the post Hello, Police?…I need to file a report [1] on his blog and other posts and consider subscribing.

Hello, Police?… I need to file a report

Back in November 2019 I went and gave a account of what happened to me as a child to an independent government funded enquiry. Unsurprisingly this enquiry had started as a result of the historic sexual abuse that had been uncovered following the death of Jimmy Saville. I believe that if I told my story, then it might finally stop playing over and over in my head. I was wrong…

Initially, it did help. I felt relieved, almost like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. One thing that I was aware of, but hadn’t really given much thought to, was the fact that this enquiry had an obligation to forward reports on to the police. I presumed there must be a report of what happened to me and nothing further would happen. The whole point of me doing it was to try and help myself.

Then one Tuesday afternoon, approximately 4 months later, I was at work and my phone rang with No Caller ID displayed. Now 99 times out of 100 I don’t answer those, but on that day I did answer. The lady introduced herself and explained what she was calling for, and I’ll be honest, I almost fell off my chair. I was on my own, and I so wish I had had someone there with me as I felt so alone and unsure. However, whilst I was fully supportive of progressing with a police investigation, they said that my Mum would have to get involved and give evidence, etc. This was a massive ‘NO WAY’ for me as the subject of me being abused as a child was a very taboo subject, that was never talked about.

The lady gave me her number in case I changed my mind, but I knew as soon as I put the phone down that there was no chance that would happen.

Fast forward a few months further in to 2020, and we were in the middle of a pandemic, in the first lockdown and working from home. I had previously worked from home 1 or 2 days a week, but my office was more of a dumping ground, so due to the enforced full time office location I thought it best that I have a tidy up. Whilst going through my desk I came across a piece of paper with a name and telephone number on it. For the life of me, I could not remember what it was, so I threw it away……….or so I thought.

At the start of 2021 when I really started to recognise that I was on a massive downward spiral, I was going through the photo’s in my phone and as I scrolled through there was a photo of a piece of paper with a name and telephone number on it. I must have sat there looking at it for quite a while before it hit me. It was the number for the police lady that had called me early in 2020. I don’t remember doing it, but I must have taken a picture before throwing it away.

I suppose subconsciously looking back, I knew deep down that I would go through with reporting my abuser. I just had a few hurdles to climb over first. So a couple of months ago, once my therapy was established and once I felt in control of my ability to take this on, I called the police and explained that I wanted to file a complaint of historic child sexual abuse.

Now as the image above indicates, I am now on the long and winding road of criminal investigations into the abuse that I suffered, and as such I can’t really go in to detail. But what I can talk about is my experience and the light bulb moment I have had today that has made me realise that my recent struggles and backwards steps have all come from the day that I went and gave my video interview.

The video interview last almost 3 hours and I had mentally prepared myself (or so I thought) to talk about what happened, in real detail, for the first time ever. The one thing that I didn’t anticipate was the fact that the police officer would ask me some questions once I had been through my account. Now these questions really opened up the whole experience, and made me remember things that I had clearly locked away, never to be spoken of again. The whole experience was draining, but I remained motivated to see it through.

Driving home that night (a nice 3 hour journey!) I remember talking to my brother on the phone and he asked how I felt. My answer, ‘I don’t’. And what I meant by that is I didn’t feel anything, I couldn’t explain my feelings, I had simply lifted the drawbridge and locked up. Zero emotions would be shown by me, I wouldn’t talk about it other than to say it was tough. Done!!

Now here I am today realising that the shutting off of my emotions, my reluctance to talk about it, or even process what had happened during the interview has just built up inside me over the last few weeks. It was only talking to my niece on the phone today during my drive home from work that this reality smacked me in the face. Now when I say niece, it makes her sound young, but I didn’t seek emotional support from a child, my niece in fact is 27 and works with secondary school children providing mental health and wellbeing support. Hopefully she doesn’t use this approach with the students, but when I talked to her about how I was feeling and how hard the police interview was she said, ‘shit, no bloody wonder you feel the way you do right now, you haven’t processed what happened in that interview’. There may have been some other words used but I thought I should dial it down.

What I have come to realise is that my way of processing things at the moment is by writing them down. So tonight I have written my daily journal (I didn’t write it yesterday as my head was a mixture of a world of different feelings), but as I have a set format (yes, linked to OCD…to be discussed in a future blog) I wanted to write more than my 2 pages per day would allow me. So the only other avenue I have is to write a blog post. Initially I was just going to write a draft and save it, but, well here I am almost finished.

A very good friend of mine told me today, ‘you actually write really nice! Maybe you should work in comms’. So I went back and re-read some stuff I had written and found lots of typos and little things that set my anxiety off….but I surprised myself by moving past it!! And the reason is that I don’t ever read my blogs back before I post them. I want them to be organic and natural….I have a number of titles for blogs in my drafts and all I do is pick one and then write. I don’t prep, I don’t plan, I just write. So if that is evident in the appearance, etc, then that explains why! And for those that know me, they will realise how difficult I find doing that.

So now I have skirted around, I want people to know that making a police report is tough, making a statement is tough, giving a video interview is tough and I can only imagine how tough my experience will be if this goes to court. BUT….if everything in life was easy I probably wouldn’t be writing this blog, I wouldn’t be having therapy and I wouldn’t be pressing the self destruct button to numb the challenges with my mental health as often as I have been recently. I also wouldn’t be motivated to do everything in my power to make sure that the man that has impacted my life in such a big way pays the relevant price.

Lot’s of things weren’t done to protect me or deal with it at the time. I can’t change that! I feel bitter about it, but it doesn’t make how I feel right now any better. Actively doing something about it, filing a report, talking to my family to ask them to provide statements, committing myself to the full length of proceedings mean that I will have done everything in my power to take that man to justice.

If you are me, or if you know someone that is in the same place as me, just help them to take that step. It may take them some time to dial that number, and whilst you can’t force it, you can gently encourage and maintain that encouragement and support. It is a long and hard process, but imagine how long the process for heeling would be if you don’t report it and then that person dies…..it would simply be too late.

People tell me, ‘but it was the 80’s’, well I call bullshit. No matter what year, what era, everyone knows that sexually abusing a child is just flat out wrong. So it’s time we stop allowing society to make excuses and time to take action to make those people pay.

It will be hard and I am feeling it right now, but I know that I can’t lose faith. My children need me to be daddy, and right now I’m just not good enough. That is all the motivation I need to keep going.

Dave

If you have experienced similar in your childhood or know someone that has, and you don’t know where to turn, the below link may be a good starting point.

https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/non-recent-abuse/

I also include Dave Bio This Man Cries Biography [2]

At the age of 6 years old, I was sexually abused by a man that was a lodger in our family home. My parents worked in the license trade, so worked most evenings leaving my siblings to ‘babysit’, or if they had plans it became the norm for this man to watch over me.

At the point that the abuse was discovered, my memory struggles to put all of the pieces together. Naturally, there are a lot of unanswered questions that I am working my way through now in adult life.

I have tried many times to process and ultimately cope with what I went through as a child, but always felt that I was fixed at the slightest sign of feeling alright. Now that I am a married father of four wonderful children, I owe it to them and my wife to be the best version of me that I can. And to do that, I need help!

The aim of writing a blog about my life experiences, and my journey going forward comes from two places. Firstly, I have really benefitted from writing a daily journal that helps me to process my thoughts for the day. And secondly, I know how hard it is to stop and ask for help and if my story can be support someone to get the help that they need then I will have made the world a slightly better place.

This post link [111] 2021 Dec 10 cathyfoxblog Hello, Police?…I need to file a report https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2021/12/10/hello-policei-need-to-file-a-report/

Links

[1] 2021 Dec This Man Cries Hello, Police?…I need to file a report https://thismancries.wordpress.com/2021/12/08/hello-police-i-need-to-file-a-report/

[2] This Man Cries Biography https://thismancries.wordpress.com/about-me/

[3] This Man Cries Blog https://thismancries.wordpress.com

cathyfoxblog social media links

UK Press Cuttings and Research Databases on Child Sexual Abuse

Bloggers and Tweeters on Child Sexual Abuse UK

Covid 19

Vaccination Reactions

Europe -EUDRA [] https://www.adrreports.eu/en/index.html

UK

[] https://yellowcard.ukcolumn.org/yellow-card-reports

[] https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-vaccine-adverse-reactions/coronavirus-vaccine-summary-of-yellow-card-reporting#annex-1-vaccine-analysis-profile

USA VAERS

Open Vaers [] https://openvaers.com/ allows browsing and searching of the reports

[] https://vaers.hhs.gov/

Moon [] https://www.mooninfo.org/moon-phases/2021.html

Sayings

The truth will out, the truth will shout, the truth will set us free

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing” – Edmund Burke

“He who does not bellow the truth when he knows the truth makes himself the accomplice of liars and forgers.” Charles Peguy

To sin by silence when we should protest makes cowards out of men  – Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Every time we act in the face of fear, we dilute it’s power and increase our confidence

Only the small secrets need to be protected, the large ones are kept secret by public incredulity – Marshall McLuhan

Let justice be done though the heavens fall – Fiat justitia ruat cælum

Put the enemy at unease by making information they do not want known to be known…

The individual is handicapped by coming face-to-face with a conspiracy so monstrous he cannot believe it exists.  FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover

If you have found this post useful, please post on other social media – facebook, instagram, pinterest, gab, twitter, anonup,  – whichever ones you are on. This is most helpful to spread the information. The people who do this are essential. Thankyou.

I am not connected to anyones Patreon accounts, nor do I receive any money for my writing. I believe it is important to provide this information not hidden behind paywalls, and yes I suffer financial hardship for doing so.

I will not commit suicide and if it appears I have, then people may judge for themselves why this is so, after blogging these exposes of the top level of these “orders”. I do not wish to live in the kind of world that the psychopathic orders want to bring in, which is a world wholly and absolutely controlled by them. They commit horrific crimes of child rape, child torture, child cannibalism, child mind control and much more, which is why I wish to speak out and expose them. This carries some risk but if I am killed or go silent, my wish is for more people to tell the truth, they cannot kill us all… please set up your own blogs… replace me 100 fold…

About cathy fox blog on Child Abuse

the truth will out, the truth will shout, the truth will set us free...
This entry was posted in #CSASurvivorsStories, cathyfoxblog, Child Abuse, Child sexual abuse, healing, Jimmy Savile, Police and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Hello, Police?…I need to file a report

  1. Pingback: Survivors Stories 2021 | cathy fox blog on child abuse

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