Trauma and Christmas

Many survivors of various abuse find Christmas a hard time, due to the bad memories it can bring back of abuse, ritual abuse, bad family, separation from children, family or friends loneliness and much more.

Also worth checking out after you read this is Fighting Monarch Whats a Matter for You! and how he celebrates Christmas, as a programmed Monarch and separated from his daughter, [10] and Discussing Dissociation Rescue at Solstice and Song For Children [11]

This is a post I first reblogged 6 years ago. 2015 Dec 16 Heathers Helpers Trauma and Christmas [1] Unfortunately Heathers blog that I reblogged it from, appears to have gone from the net. Heathers Helpers [2]. As mine was a reblog, then only the first part of Heathers post appeared on my blog. I have learned since, of course, always to include the whole post on a reblog, exactly to stop this sort of thing happening.

However at least some parts still exist of Heathers blog on the web archive, Heathers Helpers Trauma and Christmas archive [3] so as the post is still relevant and to resurrect Heathers blog in some form, I have taken the opportunity to repost it, but first a little on archives, as they are essential knowledge.

Archives

Using the archives is an essential part of research and saving your own blogs, other blogs and other sources keeping them available to all. The two archives are archive.org or sometimes called the Wayback Machine [6] and archive.md https://archive.md/ [7] which also sometimes has different letters after the dot.

They are not infallible, ie some posts are withdrawn from them, I suspect for powerful figures threatening legal action but 99.99% will be ok, but if you want to make sure then save the page offline.

They each have their uses, wayback machine was first so will have older posts, and perhaps easier to search for an old post but archive.md is useful for saving eg Telegraph articles that are behind paywalls and then they become visible – just put the url of the posts in the archive and save.

To get familiar with the archives you just have to get stuck in and play around searching for a post or through the archives. Just remember that there are many paths though the archives and just because one is a dead end, do not assume the post is not actually there.

I did explain some little tricks I had learned about the Wayback Machine on this post Archives and Satanist Marina Abramovic [8]

Save everything that you think that has been worth reading. You can also get add ons for your browser to do this with one click.

For Heathers blog I have only searched the Wayback machine and only for specific posts, if you searched via the main blog address more posts may appear by different routes eg for Heathers blog put her main blog address in and you get this https://web.archive.org/web/2018*/http://heathershelpers.org/ [9] The star is like a wildcard and if you follow through various routes on different dates you likely will find far more posts.

This was Heathers Christmas post, and after it I have included a couple of others of her posts as well. As ever if you want the whole post then take the link to the archive as often cutting and pasting means something will be missed for technical / time reasons, eg several photographs are missing from the third post I have transferred.

Trauma and Christmas Heathers Blog

Trauma Tree

I posted this last year but I have about 1,000 new readers since then and I’ve been getting a lot of mail regarding the stress people are feeling regarding Christmas. I decided to post this again and I just rewrote a few things. Merry Christmas is almost here to you all.While Christmas and other holidays can be hard for many people, I believe that those with trauma have some extra challenges. That said, I’ve always believed that when you understand something, that issue gets easier to deal with. It rarely takes it away but for me, knowing that something I am experiencing is common amongst trauma survivors helps take much of the pressure off of myself. I feel as though I am one sufferer amongst many and that we all coped the same way rather than it is just a “Heather thing”.

Here are a few things that you may be dealing with at this time of year.

Anger
Surviving trauma can have a negative impact on your outlook. Your life feels forever changed. Some survivors deal with anger on multiple levels. Anger at some of the lucky people who have been fortunate enough to have avoided trauma and tell us to just get over it, or it’s our own fault that we suffer. And, paradoxically, we may feel anger at ourselves for having these issues too. It is also not unusual to become angry at the fact that we are angry.

Guilt and Shame
Some trauma survivors can feel guilty or shameful because we survived while others did not. I feel this way about my sisters very keenly on holidays in particular. You may no longer feel worthy to enjoy the mundane giving of gifts and time with friends.
This is also a time of year where those who struggle with spirituality feel somewhat “force fed” the baby Jesus or other biblical things that happened at this time of year. God seems to be everywhere and not in a comforting sense for many.

Noise
Trauma survivors are often susceptible to noise.
Noises (and smells) can overwhelm us and often take us back to memories or places we would just as soon forget. I tend to choose the furthest chair away from the activity but even then, a cheerful gathering can often still feel very overwhelming.
There are times that I have tried to just take some time alone for a few minutes but there always has to be that one person (at least) that say “Where’s Heather?”. It is a kind gesture to show that they care for you but when you are trying to hide? It’s counterproductive. LOL

Memories and Triggers
As a trauma survivor, I really don’t want to remember Christmas past. Sitting around while other regale tales of childhood or “the good old days” just makes me want to jump out of my skin. I am truly happy for them. I really am. Hearing it all just reminds me of what I do not understand or have memories of. Add in the sounds, smells, people, the hustle and bustle, money stresses, time crunches, and folks that don’t tend to behave well at Christmas? Well? It all makes me want to hide. You?

Isolation
Major holidays and personal days of importance are days I want to avoid. They tend to heighten the trauma survivors penchant for isolation. Quite often, the people who matter to you are either dead or distant. Often those who you do love and who love you are kept at a “PTSD-Distance” almost against your will. You want to be more open, you want to be more feeling and receptive, but your trauma smothers you. Sometimes the best you can do is just be in the same room with your loved ones, not because you don’t like/love them but because your trauma has crushed your ability to interact the way you used to. If your loved ones tend towards selfishness or they just plain don’t get it, they can make this very hard on you.

Crowds
People thinking their shopping carts  need to be on to your heels or in your back, other people pushing their way through you or past you, kids crying, adults arguing, long lines, busy stores… you can’t even buy milk and bread without facing Christmas crowds. When your nerves already feel like they are on fire? This added pressure just makes me want to run away to a deserted island somewhere. Okay, I always feel that way but it is worse at Christmas.

I know I have painted the holidays as very grim and if this is what they are for you? Please just know you are not alone. The day WILL pass and you won’t have to face it for another 365 days. I prefer to say 365 days rather than 1 year. it sounds longer.

You can do some things to help you through the season though. Find out when your local stores are at their least busy and shop then. Where I live that is 6-8pm. You could go bowling down the aisles. PERFECT!

Try to take some time to just relax. A day here or there that you do not have any plans will do you wonders. I try to follow busy days with a “do nothing” one. That way, when I start to feel pressured, I can remind myself that tomorrow is a day off.

Make life easier on yourself. If that means paper plates, pre-stuffed turkey, going out for a meal rather than cooking it, saying yes to only half of your usual yes events, saying no when you really don’t want to go, if you have a bit of extra cash, let someone else wrap your gifts… whatever it takes to make your holiday easier.

If certain traditions trigger you or just remind you of too many hard times, come up with new ones. I never do my celebrating on Christmas Day. That was when my birth family celebrated it. Now we have friends over before Christmas and do our Christmas dinner then. My husband’s family celebrates together several days after Christmas and we can do our visiting on any day. It really helps to switch things up a bit.

I think sometimes we all just need to accept that certain days will be hard but head towards them with the knowledge that we’ve lived through them before and will again. Lean on friends that understand and do your very best to have a happy holiday.


Dissociative Identity Disorder – Heathers Helpers Dissociative Identity Disorder [4]

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder is the most severe of the dissociative disorders.

I’d like it if you would let me try to explain what a dissociation is and try to normalize it a bit because in reality we all dissociate in varying degrees.
Have you ever been driving and suddenly found yourself 5 minutes down the road or perhaps even at your destination with no memory of getting yourself there?  You have just driven a 2 ton vehicle with no conscious memory of it yet you got there safely (PHEW!!!).
Another example may be sitting in a class or meeting then suddenly realizing that you have not heard a single thing since about a minute in to it. Relate to that?
Those are basic dissociations and everyone does it. You are not weird or in need of help. You are just human.

Many people who have suffered severe trauma will dissociate to varying degrees. Some people know they were harmed but don’t recall the details. Some people feels as though they watched it from outside their body. Some people have no idea what on earth happened but have this foreboding sense that something did. It is the minds way of protecting itself. Extremely useful at the time but extremely maladaptive when the threat is no longer present.

For me, I jokingly say that I have a PhD in dissociation. My trauma was so severe and so constant that my mind got VERY good at “leaving”. I quite often have very clear memories of the beginning of a trauma but then the memory gradually begins to get fuzzy or non-existent. I recall enough clearly to know what happened but I also know there was much more to it that I do not recall. Quite frankly? I appreciate that. What I recall is bad enough.
Basically speaking, my mind did the “driving” for me so I didn’t have to do it myself.

There is a great deal of debate in the psychiatric field as to whether or not DID really exists. I am finding that for psychiatrists that focus on trauma and dissociation as their area of specialty, they have little doubt. It is the doctors that are more interested in other fields that seem to discount it. I mean no disrespect here at all but for those (doctors or not) who wish to just automatically discount what someone is going through based on opinion alone? I offer them to live my life for a week, then decide.

One key “feature” that really shocked me about DID was that I had no real awareness about any of these dissociations. I knew that I was missing hours or days at times but honestly felt that I was perhaps developing early Alzheimer’s, had a brain tumour or was just plain crazy. It never occurred to me for even one moment that there was some other “person” taking over so I could avoid a triggering situation. It actually took a lot of convincing by professionals that had earned my respect before I agreed to even consider it.

Something else that I did not realize is that DID is not really about having other people coming out. “Alters” are really just parts of the same person but there are walls between that side of you and others.
An example… you can have a part of you that is calm and sweet with your children then perhaps a bit of a hard-nose business person when at work. You might be a laugh a minute when out with your friends but more serious and quiet with the in-laws. All these parts are still you but they are different parts of you.
With DID, one part doesn’t know the other. The caring mother, the businesswoman, the funny friend and the sombre in-law have never met.

It is also very common for people with DID to have both men and women “alters”. It was explained to me that perhaps a more male attitude was needed at certain times. Maybe that more masculine “alter” was created to help protect me. Sometimes a man will say things or do things that a woman can’t or won’t. The opposite is true for men.

All in all, DID is not as scary, weird or unbelievable as I used to think it was. It actually really makes a lot of sense. It sure helped me to find out what was going on in my mind. It was affecting my life so much in mostly negative ways. That negativity was largely created because of fear. I panicked when I didn’t know what I had been doing for an afternoon, I tried to pretend that I remembered certain conversations because I didn’t want someone to think I didn’t care enough to listen to them the first time, I certainly would never admit that I honestly had no memory at all of an event that everyone else recalled so vividly that they could still talk about it with clarity days or even years later.  There was so much silence in my life because I was just so afraid to speak about much more than mindless chatter.

In my life? After a diagnoses of DID that I fought hard against? It all makes so much sense. The pieces have begun to fit together and rather than making me feel like I am split into pieces, it is actually doing the opposite and showing me that I am more whole than I ever thought. All my parts are within me and one day we will find a way to break the walls between us. My Helpers and I are silent no more.

My Shame – Heathers Helpers My Shame Story archive [5]

I wrote a blog about guilt and shame almost 2 weeks ago. I have since realized that what I really discussed was guilt and not shame. I had them balled up together like they were one entity. I still think the blog was a good one and gave a lot of suggestions for easing guilt. I just need to go back and change the title to “Guilt” and take “Shame” out of there.

Since I didn’t know the difference (but thought that I did), I will explain it as I understand it so far. :)
Guilt is something that you can start feeling at about the age of 3 when you are able to do something and feel badly about it or someone else can make you feel badly for doing something wrong. We do not always own the guilt that is given to us but we are able to feel guilt at that point.
Guilt now seems to me to be the easier of the two to deal with. With a big dose of self compassion, quite often a good therapist or life experiences, we can learn that what we did or was done to us at various ages was either not our fault or it is forgivable.

My guilt was trauma based. I did not yell loud enough, run fast enough, tell enough people, force doctors or social workers to pay attention, run screaming to a teacher… the list is endless but you get the idea.
I have learned that I am in no way responsible for anything that happened to me no matter what anyone says to the contrary.

Guilt is also the culprit when we use words like could or should. I should have known better. I could have been smarter. I should have remained silent. When you look back and feel badly about how you’ve behaved or something you’ve said. That is guilt.

Shame… oh that sneaky snake of an emotion.
Shame begins at birth. Before we are even verbal. Shame is taught to us. Shame is the lesson or lessons that tell us who we are. Have you ever heard someone say “I don’t know why I was even born”? Perhaps you are the one who has said it or thought it? There is a reason it is said. A shame story was put on them in some way in the earliest days of their lives. Mom or Dad may say or feel “I don’t know why on earth I had this baby” or put blame on the baby for restrictions caused by parenthood. A baby can pick that up and it becomes shame story that he or she can feel for the rest of their lives. There are often no obvious words for our shame. We just feel it.
Shame is a cruel gift. Parents or caregivers often think that a pre-verbal child is too young to understand but they are very wrong. Seeds are planted and those seeds will become beautiful flowers if they are kind and gentle but they can also become weeds that are almost impossible to get rid of when the words are unkind or uncaring.

Shame is also the messages that we all pick up throughout our lives. If the base of the person is already damaged, shame given by the world around us is also too easily absorbed.
An example:
A child with a good base. A positive beginning can get called stupid because he or she made a mistake and they will often reply with “I am NOT stupid!” They may even run to a trusted adult to tattle on this mean person who called them stupid. How dare they!
A child with a shakier base, a more negative beginning may be called stupid and rather than fight it, they can absorb it. “I probably am stupid.”
Sadly, it is really easy to add to a shame story once it has begun.

Sent in by a reader…
Non-verbal shaming is perhaps the most insidious (as spoken of in the Dr. George Simon quote). You can argue with words but how do you argue with a sneer, a tone of voice, a look in the eyes?

Guilt is external and more easily verbalized “I did something wrong”.
Shame is very difficult to verbalize. “I am wrong.” There is something wrong with me as a person. I am not as worthy as others. I am not good enough in a very deep-seated way.

For me, shame presents itself first in the form of this thought.
“If anyone ever REALLY knew me, they would realize how worthless/horrible/stupid/_____ I really am.”
I have a very deep fear of being outed as a liar and assume I need to hide this trait… even though that trait does not exist in me. I was taught that lesson from my earliest moments in my life and still believe it to this day despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. My husband and good friends have actually said that I don’t lie even when I should. I can be a tad “direct”.
I feel less than… less than everyone else. Everyone comes above me. It takes a great deal of strength and practice to say no without feeling badly or for putting my needs on the chart. At all. Ever. I am working on that one.
I feel unlikable. While others assume that I am happy, chatty and comfortable, I always leave with the feeling that I have likely done something to turn them off of me.

The really tricky thing about shame is that you can KNOW none of this is true but these messages of worthlessness are far more deeply planted than rational thought.

The good news… you KNOW I have to end off with good news right? ;)
I feel that once we have found our shame and find a way to put a name on it, we can start to really question these beliefs. I do not for one second believe that I am suddenly going to get over all my shame filled thoughts just because I finally figured out what they were. It will take time and a lot of positive reinforcement from those who know me telling me what they see in me. Not buttering me up but truthful statements that I know people say to me already. I just have to put more effort in to believing them.

So… I hope you will answer these questions for me silently in your own head. You do not need to admit them to anyone. They are for you only.
Are you worthless?
Are you useless?
Are you deeply and irreparably faulted?
Are you stupid?
Are you selfish or thoughtless?
Are you a liar?
Are you a waste of space?
Are you ugly?
Are you a misfit?
Are you slow?

Now, take a moment to ask yourself this one last question.
Who just answered? You or shame?

Please consider starting a blog yourself, anonymously and release your feelings… Tell the world what you feel…

Links

[1] 2015 Dec 16 Heathers Helpers Trauma and Christmas http://heathershelpers.org/2015/12/16/trauma-and-christmas

[2] Heathers Helpers http://heathershelpers.org/

[3] Heathers Helpers Trauma and Christmas archive https://web.archive.org/web/20160406061835/http://heathershelpers.org/2015/12/16/trauma-and-christmas/

[4] Heathers Helpers Dissociative Identity Disorder archive https://web.archive.org/web/20160323042923/http://heathershelpers.org/dissociative-identity-disorder/

[5] Heathers Helpers My Shame Story archive https://web.archive.org/web/20160323004959/http://heathershelpers.org/2016/03/18/my-shame-story/

[6] Archive.org or sometimes called the Wayback Machine https://web.archive.org/

[7] Archive.md https://archive.md/

[8] 2021 Apr 23 cathyfoxblog Archives and Satanist Marina Abramovic https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2020/04/23/archives-and-satanist-marina-abramovic/

[9] Heathers Helpers archive of http://heathershelpers.org/ ie https://web.archive.org/web/2018*/http://heathershelpers.org/

[10] 2021 Dec 21 Fighting Monarch Whats a Matter for You https://fightingmonarch.com/2021/12/21/whats-a-matter-for-you/

[11] 2021 Dec Discussing Dissociation Rescue at Solstice and Song For Children https://www.discussingdissociation.com/2021/12/rescue-at-solstice-and-a-song-for-sharing/

This post [111] 2021 Dec 23 cathyfoxblog Trauma and Christmas https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2021/12/23/trauma-and-christmas-2/

cathyfoxblog social media links

UK Press Cuttings and Research Databases on Child Sexual Abuse

Bloggers and Tweeters on Child Sexual Abuse UK

Covid 19

Vaccination Reactions

Europe -EUDRA [] https://www.adrreports.eu/en/index.html

UK

[] https://yellowcard.ukcolumn.org/yellow-card-reports

[] https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/coronavirus-covid-19-vaccine-adverse-reactions/coronavirus-vaccine-summary-of-yellow-card-reporting#annex-1-vaccine-analysis-profile

USA VAERS

Open Vaers [] https://openvaers.com/ allows browsing and searching of the reports

[] https://vaers.hhs.gov/

Moon [] https://www.mooninfo.org/moon-phases/2021.html

Sayings

The truth will out, the truth will shout, the truth will set us free

“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing” – Edmund Burke

“He who does not bellow the truth when he knows the truth makes himself the accomplice of liars and forgers.” Charles Peguy

To sin by silence when we should protest makes cowards out of men  – Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Every time we act in the face of fear, we dilute it’s power and increase our confidence

Only the small secrets need to be protected, the large ones are kept secret by public incredulity – Marshall McLuhan

Let justice be done though the heavens fall – Fiat justitia ruat cælum

Put the enemy at unease by making information they do not want known to be known…

The individual is handicapped by coming face-to-face with a conspiracy so monstrous he cannot believe it exists.  FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover

If you have found this post useful, please post on other social media – facebook, instagram, pinterest, gab, twitter, anonup,  – whichever ones you are on. This is most helpful to spread the information. The people who do this are essential. Thankyou.

I am not connected to anyones Patreon accounts, nor do I receive any money for my writing. I believe it is important to provide this information not hidden behind paywalls, and yes I suffer financial hardship for doing so.

I will not commit suicide and if it appears I have, then people may judge for themselves why this is so, after blogging these exposes of the top level of these “orders”. I do not wish to live in the kind of world that the psychopathic orders want to bring in, which is a world wholly and absolutely controlled by them. They commit horrific crimes of child rape, child torture, child cannibalism, child mind control and much more, which is why I wish to speak out and expose them. This carries some risk but if I am killed or go silent, my wish is for more people to tell the truth, they cannot kill us all… please set up your own blogs… replace me 100 fold…

About cathy fox blog on Child Abuse

the truth will out, the truth will shout, the truth will set us free...
This entry was posted in #CSASurvivorsStories, Child Abuse, Child sexual abuse, Child trafficking, Family Abuse, Forced Adoption, Other bloggers, Ritual abuse and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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